Ask Snarky Sue: Marriage, Ex-boyfriends, and Pandemic Burnout!

Welcome to Snarky Tea’s official advice column! We know life out there can be really tough. That’s why Snarky Sue invites you to pull up a chair and spill the tea on what’s happening in your world.

In this installment, Snarky Sue deals with marriage, crushes, ex boyfriends, and pandemic burnout. Thank you to everyone who submitted a question. Remember, Snarky Sue is always here to help you get it together. 

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Dear Snarky Sue: "My bf and I have been dating for a few years and we live together. How do I bring up that I wanna get married soon? Do I just wait for him to propose on his own time?”

Dear Waiting For A Ring: 

Talk. To. Him. Healthy communication is the foundation of any good relationship. You and your boyfriend are equal partners in life. You should never feel like you have to sit back and wait quietly in the shadows if there’s something you want out of the relationship that you’re not getting.

There’s absolutely no harm in bringing up your desire to get married with your partner. Simply sit him down, tell him you feel like you’re ready, and ask him if he thinks he will be anytime soon. This conversation will give you an idea of what he thinks about marriage in general and what timetable HE is on. You’ll no longer have to sit around twiddling your thumbs hoping today will be the day. Instead, you’ll feel a weight lifted off your chest that you were brave and expressed what you wanted. 

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Dear Snarky Sue: "I have feelings for a male friend who has a girlfriend. I don't want to ruin the friendship by not talking to him anymore, but it's painful sometimes to talk to him knowing we can't be together. How would you handle this?"

Dear Crushing On A Friend:

This is one of the toughest spots to be in. At the end of the day, you have to protect your heart and your feelings. If maintaining this friendship with a man you have feelings for is hurting you, it’s probably best you step back from that friendship. Taking a break from the friendship doesn’t mean you will never be friends again, it just means you’re taking the space you need to process your feelings and move on. 

It can be nearly impossible to get over someone you talk to on a regular basis. So take a time out. Stop reaching out to him, and don’t feel like you have to respond every time he reaches out to you. It might feel “mean” to create that distance, but putting up boundaries is one of the biggest signs of self-respect. Remove yourself from the situation. Whatever you do, don’t pine for him and wait in the wings until he’s ready to break up with his girlfriend. You might be waiting a looooong time, and missing out on so many people who will love you for you. 

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Dear Snarky Sue: "I'm a therapist in a pandemic, trying to communicate virtually without losing my human-i-tea and I feel like I'm losing my s***!  How in the world do I do that?"

Dear Burnt Out Therapist: 

First of all, thank you for doing such important work. You are no doubt helping tons of individuals through this difficult time! When you’re in the mental health profession, it is so easy to burn out. You spend all of your time taking care of others, that you often forget to take care of YOU. My biggest piece of advice is to prioritize your own mental wellness. You won’t be any good at helping others if you aren’t helping yourself. Seek out your own therapy, spend time alone, take care of your physical well-being through a healthy diet and exercise. 

Also, cut yourself some slack! This pandemic is stressful on everyone. The fact that you’re still showing up everyday and wanting to help and do a better job for your clients proves that you’re a pretty freaking amazing therapist. In my eyes, you’re doing great, Sweetie! Keep it up, and never forget to take care of YOU first. 

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Dear Snarky Sue: “I'm still in love with my ex. It's been 8 months since we’ve broken up and I don't know what to do. Any advice on how to move on/win them back?” 

Dear Still In Love: 

Learning when it’s time to let go is one of the most difficult things in life. It sounds like you’re unsure whether you want to move on OR win them back. To answer this, I think it’s important to dive into why the relationship ended in the first place. Was the relationship healthy on both sides? Were you functioning well as life partners, or were there legitimate reasons for the break up? Ask yourself if you really want that person back, or if you just want the validation of being loved. 

The first step in healing will be deciding that you want to move on. Until you tell yourself you’re ready to move on, your brain will keep fixating on this person. Give yourself permission to let them go. Mentally thank that person for all the life lessons they taught you, and then turn your focus to the future. Make a list of all the qualities you want in a future partner. Allow yourself to be hopeful for the next person you meet. Accept that love will come to you again soon. Yes, it will look different, but it will also be beautiful. 

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Thanks for reading this installment of Snarky Sue! Got a problem you want advice on? Write into the column here and we would love to help you out!