By Carrie Pinkard
Dear members of the Snarky Ton,
Today I’d like to turn our focus to a young lady who looks more like a drowned mule than a crown jewel this season. After coming of age years ago, it seems outlandish that she has not yet secured a marriage proposal.
We have all been waiting patiently for the re-emergence of one Get Your Sh*t Together into society. For the past ten months, she has been sheltered in the childhood bedroom of her parent’s home. I ask you dear reader, is this normal quarantine behavior, or is there a scandal afoot?
The tea’s parents (Wake the F**k Up and Get Your A** In Bed) are starting to wonder if she will ever kettle down with a gentleman caller. The young lady is not so young anymore and her looks are starting to diminish as her waistline expands. A neighbor claims she saw Get Your Sh*t Together attempt to put on a corset but it cracked in half like the Titanic. Her hair is especially unruly, as it looks as though she has not taken a scissor to it in nearly a year.
The garments she chooses to wear leave something to be desired. It is unclear from the gray sweatpants and turtleneck sweaters if she’s trying to leave something to the imagination or if she has simply given up. Her chipped red packaging polish sends a clear message to the world that maybe she is perfectly happy being a spinster.
What she lacks in beauty might have been excused had she possessed the skills of a lady. But as far as I can tell, her hobbies involve horizontal lounging and soaking in hot water. It’s unclear if the girl is practicing her swooning or if she is just, pardon my language, lazy as fuck.
Week after week, her social calendar remains strikingly empty. The only men who call on her are Uber Eats delivery drivers. Though they always bring her tokens of affection in the form of fresh food, their interactions remain cordial at best.
It remains to be seen if Ms. Get Your Sh*t Together will rise phoenix-like from the ashes once quarantine has ended. Though it seems unlikely as the trials of the past year may have snuffed out her final flames of youth.
Stranger things have happened. But I must say, dear reader, the chances of her getting her shit together long enough to find a happily-ever-after seem slim to none.
Until next time,