By Carrie Pinkard
Mariah Carey, the pop singer behind the Christmas anthem, All I Want For Christmas is You finally admits she wants much, much more this year. She hasn’t received a single Christmas gift since the song came out in 1994. Since Thanksgiving, the singer has been wracking her brain trying to think of a way to tell people she wants actual gifts.
“I’ve missed TWO DECADES of Christmas presents because of this song,” Carey said. “I didn’t get a furby in 1998, or a Razor scooter in 2000. I didn’t get an Xbox 360 in 2005. Nothing.”
None of Carey’s family and friends have gotten her a Christmas gift since the song released, assuming she already had what she wanted. Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey’s ex husband said he loved Mariah because she was the least materialistic woman he’s ever known.
“Mariah was the best when it came to Christmas. Women are usually a nightmare to shop for, but Mariah didn’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree,” Cannon said reminiscing. “All she wanted for Christmas was ME, so that’s what I gave her. All I had to do was stand outside her door and she was happy."
In the North Pole All I Want For Christmas is You plays every 45 minutes so even Old St. Nick knows not to stop by Mariah Carey’s house.
“Mariah has made the nice list every year because of how selfless she is,” Santa said while dipping a gingerbread cookie into milk. “Even though she’s on the nice list, I respected her wishes and haven’t brought her anything in years.”
Mariah’s mental health has been unraveling more this year. Going to the mall is triggering to her because she knows everyone there is shopping for gifts that she’ll never again receive. She’s terrified this will be her 27th year without a single Christmas present. No one even invites her to join their Secret Santa gift exchanges.
Last week she was seen eyeing the gifts under the display Christmas tree at the mall, foaming at the mouth. She reportedly jumped on the mall Santa’s lap, straddled him, and screamed, “PLEASE I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR A REAL PRESENT THIS YEAR.”
As she was led out by mall security she heard her own voice coming through the speaker. “I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need,” the voice sang at her as she tried in vain to plug her ears.
A Very Snarky Holiday Playlist
Our gift to Mariah Carey this year is a bopping holiday playlist full of unconventional Christmas music! Now that we've got you in the holiday spirit, check it out to add a little jingle to your season.