Get Your Ass In Bed: Tips & Teas To Help You Sleep

By Carrie Pinkard

Are the bags under your eyes getting so big that you’ve started carrying things around in them? Can you not remember the last time you had an actual dream (maybe the 90’s)? You might have a sleep problem. 

The National Sleep Foundation recommends 7-9 hours of sleep per night. But too many people are getting less than that. Women with kids are the sleepiest demographic, consistently reporting less than 6 hours of sleep per night. 

That’s just not going to cut it. Sleep is essential for productivity, sanity, and maintaining your devilishly good looks. Juggling kids and work shouldn’t stop you from catching enough z’s. Read on as we lay out tips to get your ass in bed on time every night and teas that help you sleep.  

1. Break Up With Your Electronics

Damn girl, we see you having those searing hot threesomes every night. Get your mind out of the gutter- we mean with your electronics! If you find yourself waking up with your laptop strewn out on one side and an iPhone imprint on your boob you need to look at your life and your choices.

Staring at a screen right until the moment you pass out is destroying your REM sleep. The brightness sends the message to your brain that it’s still day time and that it should just! Keep! Working! 

Studies show you should have at least three thoughts a day that aren’t prompted by Twitter notifications. Silence your phone and put away your laptop half an hour before bed. This gives ample time for both your brain and devices to recharge overnight.

2. Move It Or Lose It

If you’re like most 9-5ers, you spend eight hours a day hunched like Quasimodo over a computer screen. 

With all of that physical stillness, it’s no wonder your body has trouble shutting off at night. You don’t have to suddenly become a triathlete to get better sleep, but adding in small bursts of exercise when you can is key. This could be as simple as doing 20 jumping jacks every hour at work (yes, be that bitch). Or start taking a half-hour walk at five p.m. before you settle into your extreme Netflix binge. 

Your hamstrings are probably tighter than your high school skinny jeans, so be sure to do some stretches before bed. Loosening your muscles will help you limber up and pass the fuck out. 

3. Plan For The Day Ahead

Your to-do list and your sleep schedule are constantly fighting an epic battle against each other. You may feel like only one can win, but that’s not the case. Chip away at your to-do list for the next day before you plunge under the covers never to be seen again.

Pack your kid’s lunches, lay out your clothes, set reminders for work. Preparing the night before will enable you to press the snooze button a few extra times in the morning. It will also put your mind at ease because you know it’s all taken care of. To-do list: conquered.

4. Eat the Right Foods And Try Teas That Help You Sleep

Step away from the peanut butter M&M’s and nobody gets hurt. Foods high in sugar and caffeine will keep you up all night. If you want better sleep, choose your nighttime menu carefully. 

Almonds are a good late-night snack because they’re high in magnesium, which can reduce cortisol levels making you feel less stressed. Turkey is high in tryptophan which can increase melatonin levels and make you sleepy. Finally, you could try sipping on a glass of caffeine-free tea with chamomile, as it contains glycine that relaxes your muscles. 

Now Go Get Your Ass in Bed!

We can’t help you with student loans, but we can help you pay off your sleep debt. Remember to get some exercise, take a break from electronics, and eat calming foods. Everyone has different sleep needs, this article will help you calculate how much time you need to spend sawing logs. 

Still find you’re spending too much time counting those damn sheep? Try one of our teas that help you sleep. Our Dream tea will lull you into the best sleep of your motherfucking life.

 Nighty night!