By Carrie Pinkard
Fierce B*tch Finds Peace & Love
“I can’t stand this time of year,” Fierce B*tch says as she karate chops a talking Santa toy. Fierce B*tch is a tough city girl who works tirelessly as a corporate lawyer. Her company is sending her to Santa Claus, Indiana because she has to sue a mitten company for some unknown reason.
When Fierce B*tch arrives in Santa Claus, Indiana she is disgusted by the onslaught of Christmas decorations. A child whizzes by on his sled and knocks Fierce B*tch into a freezing cold puddle.
“My Burberry coat is ruined!” Fierce B*tch shrieks just as a gentleman rushes to help her up. “I’m fine I don’t need your help,” she snaps, gathering up all her important mitten-related legal documents that spilled on the snow.
“You must not be from around these parts. I’m Peace & Love Motherf**ker,” the man says cheerfully while tipping a non-existent fedora. “I am the Chief Mitten Maker over at the Mansplain Mitten Factory.”
Fierce B*tch rolls her eyes but extends her hand for a handshake anyway. When their hands meet, she can’t help marveling at the fine craftsmanship of his mitten. Her ice-cold heart melts a little at the man’s kind eyes.
“I’m actually on my way to the Mansplain Mitten Factory, do you think you could show me the way?” Fierce B*tch asks, regaining her composure.
“I reckon I could ma’am,” Peace & Love Motherf**ker responds before guiding her through the town that looks like it belongs inside a snowglobe.
On the way to Mansplain Mitten Factory, the duo meets a series of Christmassy characters. Peace & Love Motherf**ker appears to be a saint based on the number of townsfolk who stop him on the side of the road to thank him for keeping their hands toasty all winter long.
They pass a small law firm that represents personal injury cases for Reindeer. Fierce B*tch looks in the window and the two lawyers who work there are literally flying through the air laughing with glee.
“Why can’t my job be that happy?” Fierce B*tch sighs.
“Maybe you should move here,” Peace & Love Motherf**ker says with an elfish gleam in his eye.
By the time the two finish their tour of the Mansplain Mitten Factory, Fierce B*tch decides she doesn’t want to sue them and calls her office to say she’s NEVER coming back.
In a whirlwind five minute montage that includes terrible ice-skating and assembling a gingerbread house, the couple falls in love. Fierce B*tch realizes she really does love Christmas after all.
One minute later, Peace & Love Motherf**ker puts his hand on Fierce B*tch’s pregnant stomach and says “Looks like we’re gonna need more mittens!”
*The credits roll and another movie starts playing that has an identical plot*
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Scoop up our black rose tea, Fierce B*tch, and our soothing green tea, Peace & Love Motherf**ker, so they can live happily ever after.
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