SEPT. 22, 2020

AUTHOR: CARRIE PINKARD

David Attenborough Presents -

A New Nature Documentary:

Being Basic In The Wild

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A quirky woman with many diverse interests and ideas is seen here approaching the watering hole. She appears unaware of the transformation that’s about to occur once the pumpkin spice tea blend of cinnamon, cardamom, and cloves touches her lips. As soon as she takes a sip she sheds the skin of her old self and transforms like a chameleon into a Basic B*tch.

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Everything about the woman’s appearance now reflects her inner Basic B*tch. She has literally transformed into a pumpkin spice beverage. Take note of the burnt orange turtleneck and knee-high Halloween socks in September. Moments after this photo was taken the Basic B*tch was heard shrieking, “let’s go to the pumpkin patch!”

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Here we’ve captured footage of the Basic B*tch “nesting” in the form of decorating her den to be as basic as possible. She carefully places Autumn themed Yankee Candles in every room. She hangs a sign that says “Live, Laugh, Love” above her front door. We’ve been studying the Basic B*tch for years and still can’t figure out why she needs this sign. Some of our top scientists say the sign serves as a checklist, and if she didn’t have it the Basic B*tch would simply forget to live or laugh or love.

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The Basic B*tch is seen here taking part in her favorite communication ritual: The filtered selfie. The filtered selfie is how the Basic B*tch announces that she has returned for her all-time favorite season: “OMG it’s like, totes, Autumn.”

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The Basic B*tch is pictured here driving her automobile while blasting high-frequency basic tunes, aka Taylor Swift music. This is another form of peacocking for the Basic B*tch. Booming “Blank Space” through the car speakers is yet another way she announces to the world that she has Big Basic B*tch Energy.

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The Basic B*tch has a few hours to kill so she engages in her favorite pastime: wandering mindlessly around Target. We can’t discern why she does this because she never leaves with any provisions. What we can say is this is a very soothing activity for The Basic B*tch. Her blood pressure decreases a little with every aisle she strolls down.

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Back in her den, the Basic B*tch seems to learn her mating habits from watching The Bachelor. On this program, 25 attractive female humans claw at each other for the chance to mate for life with a male who is at best mediocre. The Basic B*tch does not tire of watching this performance. She often takes notes about the women on her electronic rectangle and transmits them to her Basic B*tch friends.

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After a long morning of doing almost nothing, the Basic B*tch is ready to feed. She has unusual names for all her meals, but her favorite is “Brunch.” Here the Basic B*tch poisons her stomach with alcohol and toasts to her queen, Bloody Mary.

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After brunch the Basic B*tch uses her rectangle to communicate orally with another one of her kind. The speech patterns of these basic bitches are highly irregular. They say things like “You’re totally a Samantha,” even though neither bitch is named Samantha. Scientists have spent years trying to decipher this code without success. The cinnamon and cardamom blend of the tea seems to make her speech spicier than usual.

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Sometimes the Basic B*tch punches things on a computer and occasionally talks into the rectangle box. This is how she earns money which she exchanges for rose gold jewelry, froyo, Ugg boots, and of course, more pumpkin Basic B*tch tea. During her breaks from work, her moods can be difficult to track. They always seem to flare right after she checks her “horoscope”. If the horoscope predicts good things for her star sign, she is happy. If it doesn’t, she weeps. Nothing puts her in a worse mood than reading that Mercury is going into Retrograde.

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The Basic B*tch falls asleep not by counting sheep but by counting Kardashians. She dreams of pumpkin patches and charcuterie boards until it’s time to wake up and face another day.-Ready to unleash your inner Basic B*tch? Get your pumpkin spice tea fix here. Or shop our full fall collection to get into the festive spirit.

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