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Snarky Scopes

Snarky Scopes - Week of January 20

Snarky Scopes - Week of January 20

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SEE THROUGH THE BULLSH*T. People are going to be saying exactly what you want to hear this week, Aries. But don’t be fooled – this isn’t necessarily a good thing. I’m not trying to make you totally paranoid, I mean not everyone is a d*ck; but watch out for hidden motives. If it feels like BS, it probably is. Your intuition is on point.

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STAY STRONG. There may be some serious temptations to cave in and take the easy way out this week, Taurus. But doing so would be an awful f**king idea. You need to keep your stance and if you feel you’re on the right path, you are. Don’t let anything or anyone tell you differently. You know best. Do it right and stay on course!

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LOW RISK, BIG REWARDS. It may not be the best stock-trading strategy but this is how you want to operate this week, Taurus. You’re finding new ways to solve problems and reach goals and others are taking notice and following your lead. It’s so important to remain reliable and steady while you’re in charge. Don’t take on unnecessary risks and do things by the book. Remember, when you’re setting a good example, others will do the same and it amplifies your efforts.

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NEW WEEK, NEW BEGINNINGS. Get ready for a week of renewal, Cancer. You’re feeling like making some fresh starts and in some respects, starting over. This is a great time to learn lessons and find out more about yourself. It’s never too late; adjust the things that need adjusting and feel empowered with each reset. It’s leading to you to bigger things. Get it girl!

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HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. You’re going to be seeing some changes in the way things need to be handled, Leo. You need to stop tippy-toeing around issues and get very honest and direct about the things you feel are falling short. If you think something isn’t being delivering at 100%, fix it. But be careful with your approach because right now your relationships are shifting into focus and becoming more important in your success. Balance!

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ABOVE IT ALL. You’re seeing things from an elevated perspective this week, Virgo. And honey, you are unbothered. This easy-peezy energy has you floating around and getting sh*t done without other people’s drama. It’s not only nice for you mentally, but financially as well. Yes, girl, yes.

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LUCK BE A LIBRA, TOOONIIIGHT. You totally sang that. You’re  still feeling a little suspicious of others intentions, Libra. This energy has been with you for a few weeks; it seems that people are just not following up on their word. They say one thing but the results indicate otherwise. Trust yourself. While this seems a little doom-and-gloom, it’s not! You have a very lucky chart right now and increased prosperity is abound.

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FAMILY MATTERS. (How f**king great was that show?) This week your attention is shifting to your home life and the things that really matter: family and friends. While this will leave you feeling warm and fuzzy, it’ll also have you determined to provide for the future. You already know that building the future you want requires patience, determination, and leadership; now go ahead and implement them into your plans. You’re in a great position to achieve the things you want and you’ve got the right motivations to do so.

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PASS GO, COLLECT $200. The game of Monopoly really does a great job of representing life’s grievances. For the past few weeks you’ve been feeling like the guy who spends half the game stuck in jail but that’s about to change, Sagittarius. Obstacles and restrictions are being lifted and you’re well-situated to take advantage and reap the benefits (i.e. buying the boardwalk and having every motherf**ker in the game owe you rent). Don’t be a sore winner though, people are holding you to higher standards and making sure you do exactly what you say you will.

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FATED FOR GREATNESS. Do you ever feel like every little thing in your life is pushing you towards the same path? You should say, “omg yes I totally do”, cause that’s what’s happening right now, Capricorn. Destiny is heavy-handed in your chart at the moment and she’s trying to show you how important you are in the lives of others. While this has been gaining a slow momentum, it’s about to speed up. Things you’ve only dreamed about are coming to fruition with ease. You’re doing great, sweetie.

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ALL ABOUT DAT MONEY. Your chart is focused on increasing that bottom line right now, Aquarius. You have to take the time to sit quietly and reflect on your future. Specifically, how can you do the things you love and still provide the lifestyle you want? Yeah I get it, that’s the million dollar question on everyone’s mind but it’s weighing heavier on you than normal. Look at your options and put yourself at ease with a plan on how to achieve this.

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THINK IT THROUGH. Don’t make any rash decisions this week, Pisces. You have the time to weigh each choice, so do it. Most importantly, make sure you’re not listening to other people’s ideas of what’s right and adopting them as your own. Only you know what’s best. Now is not the time to get risky.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of January 13

Snarky Scopes - Week of January 13

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STAY EXCITED. This week you’ll be faced with hella decisions, Aries. And they’re not the easy, “what should I have for lunch”, type of choices. Two completely different directions will arise and whatever direction you go in, make sure you understand how it will affect all elements of your life. Most importantly, stay forward-thinking and excited about the future; your perspective will determine your outcomes.

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PAY ATTENTION, TAKE YOUR TIME. That pretty much sums up this entire week, Taurus. No one likes to make shitty rushed decisions, especially not you. And right now, you’ve got time on your side. Any big decisions can be delayed. Do the research, make sure you understand the weight of your choices, and then… sit with it. Just like you pragmatic Tauruii (my completely made-up plural of Taurus) like to do it!

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CUT THROUGH THE CRAP. This a no-BS week for you, Gemini. You’re going to be seeing 20/20, right to the truth behind each situation you’re presented with. Take advantage of this amazing energy and find the opportunities waiting to be discovered. Move swiftly and stealthily – you’re a f**king ninja.

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MAKE IT WORK. That’s always been easy for you, Cancer. Right now you’re finding unique ways to take what you have and mix it in with something new to create the best possible outcomes. Instead of dreaming of a new situation, get to work by looking at the details of your current position and transform it; if you’re able to do that, you’re looking at limitless potential and increased wealth.

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EXPERIENCES, NOT THINGS. You’ll need to keep that in the back of your mind at all times, Leo. This week is showing a trend toward increased finances and with that comes more “stuff”. Don’t fall into the trap of acquiring all kinds of horsesh*t. Possessions have a lot of psychical and mental weight. This weight might restrict your growth in the future. Take that however it speaks to you and think about the bigger picture.

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FIND YOUR PLACE. It’s something you’ve been searching for, Virgo. Where do you fit in professionally? Where can you make the greatest impact while achieving the highest level of happiness? Important hints are laying themselves out this week and pointing you into the right direction. Don’t making crazy assumptions, be realistic and find that happy place.

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WHO LOVES YA, BABY!? This week is showing a trend towards material rewards. Like, big ones. But be careful with how you read this energy, Libra. You’re meant to use these advancements to build upon the future (basically, don’t blow it all on a bunch of crap to impress other people). At the end of the day, real value isn’t what’s sitting in your wallet, it’s who's sitting around your dinner table. Look around, give thanks and build for tomorrow.

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CONFIDENCE. This is going to be a really great week for you, Scorpio. The universe is hooking you up with major growth and rewards but don’t mistake the intentions behind it. The goal isn’t to have you rolling in the dough; it’s to free your mind from fears and worry so you can stop obsessing about the unknowns and focus on what you can control. Take this as a sign that you’re headed in the right direction and allow that confidence to carry you forward with clarity.

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PLAN IT OUT. This isn’t really your strong suit, Sagittarius but this is NOT the week to improvise and make it up as you go along. Listen closely: you need to have a written plan of action. You need to fully understand what it is you’re trying to achieve, how you’re going to do it, and what things you hope to get out of it. If you put your all into this, you’ll find huge financial gains from it. Incentive enough? Hell yeah!

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WOAH. That’s the only way to sum up your current chart, Capricorn. Sure, you might be walking around like everything is totally normal but way down in your soul you can feel that something is very different. This is an unprecedented time. Think through everything you do, everything you say, and take your time in all you do. You are in control.

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GO WITH THE FLOW. And don’t resist the changes, Aquarius. This week you’ll see things shift away from how you planned it. But remember, sometimes change can be for the best. It’s like when it rains and you end up finding your favorite new museum. Think positively and just let everything happen; I hate when people say this but…it really will make sense one day.

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DON’T GET DISCOURAGED. There’s going to be a lot of annoying little details that will make you want to change course but don’t let it throw you off, Pisces. You know why you’re doing this; it’s because the results are really effing important to you. Your chart is showing some unusual events but it’s all part of the plan. Pay close attention and take notice of where fate is pointing your overall direction, without allowing these obstacles to cloud up your judgement.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of January 6

Snarky Scopes - Week of January 6

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GETTING CLOSER. You’ll find yourself aligning with the right peeps this week, Aries. These alliances are there to help you accomplish the things you can’t achieve by yourself. Allow this sh*t to resonate; take notice of the difference when you allow a little help into your life. This same interpersonal energy means a lot happening in your love life (bow chicka wow wow) – get it guuuurl.

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OPEN YOUR EYES. Everything is aligning in your favor right now, Taurus. The planets are sitting pretty at the top of your chart, just waiting for you to take notice and take charge. While the universe has laid it’s cards down for you, they’re not going to push you to make things happen. So it’s up to you to take advantage of it. Important: don’t take the easy way out; there will be plenty of opportunities to do so. Work hard and you’ll come out as top dog…WOOF WOOF, BABY! 

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STAY HUMBLE, HUSTLE HARD. Okay Gemini, you’re in for some serious adjustments this week and it’s in your best interest to listen the f**k up (I say it because I love you). You will encounter many opposing viewpoints; but these different perspectives aren’t meant to frustrate you, they’re meant to enlighten you. If your eyes are open you’ll find many new, important people entering your sphere and many new opportunities ahead.

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DON’T BE A MARTYR. Ya know how they say, “if you want it done right, then do it yourself”… yeah, you need to NOT do that anymore. You’ve been overloading yourself recently by trying to do it all on your own. In your viewpoint it’s because others aren’t willing to help out but they’re a lot more willing than you think so let them! Take a step back, allow people to assist in their own ways and take some valuable lessons from it. No (wo)man is an island.

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NO SLACKIN’. There’s no time to waste this week, Leo. You might’ve let some chores slip (it was the holidays, I tooootallly get it) but now it’s time to get that sh*t done. Any unresolved issues or tasks will come back to bite you. Avoid distractions and let others help where needed. Strong partnerships will be formed with some interesting new peeps this week. Super cool.

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IMAGINE, PLAN, CREATE. And repeat. This week is brimming with potential, Virgo. But before you get all caught up in that wild imagination, draw up a plan to help move you towards the bigger picture. You’re seeing things clearly and creating amazing stuff. Stick to the plan and get it done!

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DEEP BREATHS. Your world renowned balance will be needed this week, Libra. It’s going to seem like simple things are very difficult and it may be the result of outside interference. Before you jump to conclusions about others, look at your expectations and whether or not your vision is clearly communicated. Always being two steps ahead requires patience while others catch up. Stay aware but be understanding (that statement gives me anxiety but it’s true).

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FIX IT NOW OR REGRET IT LATER. So, you’re gonna be a little annoyed this week, Scorpio. Sorry girl. Lots of issues might pop up and they may reveal bigger problems lying underneath. BUT you should be happy to find them now, before it had the chance to evolve into something worse. Take notice to the lessons learned: are you being clear enough with people? Are you letting people know your expectations? Make sure the answer is “yes” to avoid future disagreements.

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FIND THE GOLD. It’s a week of transformation for you, Sagittarius! There are lots of opportunities laying just beneath the surface and some of them are things you would’ve never previously considered. Those simple ideas are where the magic is my friend. The universe is opening doors and pushing you through them; lead with confidence, honey!

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THE PATHS DIVERGE. That might sound scary but it shouldn’t be. This week is full of choices and there may not be an easy way back from your decisions. While this can be intimidating, you have luck in your corner right now and better than expected results no matter what way you go. It’s going to be harder than usual to read people but be patient and they'll let you in.

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PASSION PERSONIFIED. That’s you this week, Aquarius. You’re feeling hella inspired and ready to tackle the future. While this can be amazing energy, it can also lead you to saying things that are fueled more by inner-fire than facts. Don’t make assumptions and watch what you say but take advantage of this pattern in any way you can. Get things done now and it’ll lead to bigger and better things even quicker than you thought.

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ALLOW CHANGE TO HAPPEN. You can be a little resistant to shifts, Pisces, but this week is here to teach you that change can be a very good thing. You might bump into some challenges and find yourself back to the drawing board. Whatever comes of this will be bigger and better than it was before. See – it’s a good thing, don't panic! Embrace this and let yourself grow from it. Oh hey, look around for the magic, it’s real.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of November 18

Snarky Scopes - Week of November 18

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LOOK FOR THE GOLD. This week is brimming with opportunities, Aries. Look around and grab that sh*t while you can. If you’re in the right headspace and you focus on staying positive, you’ll find yourself in situations of increased abundance. In order to clear your head and see the light, you’ll need to spend some time on your soul -  be good to yourself and the world will return the favor!

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BIG PICTURE. Step back and take a look at the whole this week, Taurus. There are all kinds of things popping up to put you on the “right path”. Destiny is calling! In order to get the most of this week you’ll have to stay in close communication with those around you and focus on the “we”, not the “me”. If you’re able to do so – you’ll find yourself exactly where you need to be.

 

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TAKE YOUR TIME. You’re feeling super intuitive this week, Gemini. For the next few days you’ll be in tune with what’s being said and done, and what’s NOT being said or done. Use this as inspiration for the future. The universe is giving you plenty of space to sit back and plan carefully – use this to your advantage and take it slow; it’s time to create, baby!

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IT’S ALL IN THE DETAILS. Start with the small sh*t this week, Cancer. You’re feeling super motivated but it’s really important to tackle the little tasks first. Get those things taken care of before you decide to move onto bigger issues. And this is important: go into action with well-developed plans because it’s the little details that will be critical down the road.

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TEAM WORK! We know you’re amazing, Leo (and we know you know it, too). But this week, working as a team is more important than trying to shine solo. Stay on top of your relationships with other people and make sure you’re focused on the “we”. Proving yourself as a leader and superstar within this kind of environment will pay off big time later.

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STEP BY STEP. That was such a great 90’s sitcom. Anyway… this week it’s all about taking things one at a time, Virgo. You’re going to move from task to task with ease but make sure you tie up any loose ends before you start something new. Your focus will be impeccable but clean up your desk or house to make the most of it – clutter will be distracting for you and you’re going to operate at your best when things are nice and simple.

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SHARP AS SH*T. No one’s getting anything past you this week, Libra. You’re firing on all cylinders and seeing as it is. Use this momentum to identify opportunities that others might be missing but don’t run too fast towards action. Mars is tempting you with wanting more than you can handle so take your time with major decisions.

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DO YOU. It’s all about the follow through this week, Scorpio. The energy is putting good vibes in all you do – as long as you do your best. Meeting people’s expectations is really important but make sure you aren’t meddling in other people’s work ; nobody likes a micromanager. As long as you do your part and allow others to do theirs… magic will happen!

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NO MORE BS. This is going to be a very interesting week for you, Sagittarius. There’s a lot to get done and you’re not messing around anymore. You might find yourself realizing things about people that you won’t like and you’ll have no problem letting them know it. If there are people who aren’t on-board with the work it takes this week, kick them to the curb and march on towards success.

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CHOOSE WISELY. Okay Capricorn, you wanted the universe to give you some change and it’s time to choose. You can keep rolling down your current path because it’s easier or rise up to the challenge of the changes you’re being presented with. Whatever you do – you can’t drag your feet on deciding. Focus on the positive, move forward – only you know what’s best.

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HANDLE IT. No beating around the bush this week, Aquarius. Take care of things right now, while you still can and do it with grace but firmness. While this isn’t exactly what you pictured, the things that are happening will bring you more life satisfaction and abundance. It’s for the best. You know what you need to do – now do it.

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SELF CARE. Take it easy and be kind to yourself this week, Pisces. If people are trying to push you, just retreat and give yourself space. You can’t pour from an empty cup and you need to spend this time filling up yours. The universe will be sending you messages about how to remove complications now and in the future. Listen up and relax.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of November 11

DON'T FORGET TO SHOP YOUR 'SCOPE!

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ELEVATE, BABY! If there’s ever been a time to show off what you can do, this is it, Aries. Inspiration from the universe is popping up everywhere and it’s making sure you see what’s possible when you put that determination in high gear. Be realistic and stay focused – this sh*t won’t be easy, but it will be worth it!

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DON’T TAKE THE BAIT. Ya know Taurus, you’ve got it going on these days. Things seem to be rolling along pretty nicely – so don’t f**k it up. Just kidding. But seriously, people will try to test you this week and you don’t need to engage. Keep logic, not emotion, on the forefront and keep moving forward. You’re doing awesome and hey, some people are just a**holes – ignore them!

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COMMUNICATION IS KEY. There’s going to be a lot of chances for you to tell ‘em like it is, Gemini. It’s so important to use these opportunities to tell people exactly what you think (in the nicest way possible). Give them the whole truth and those who understand what you’re trying to achieve will be able to help you get there. Staying quiet this week could lead you to places you don’t wanna go (like this one time I ended up sleeping in a car in NYC during a snowstorm even though I totally knew it would be a bad idea). Speak up!

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SET IT UP. Okay Cancer, whatever long-term plans or financial decisions you were thinking about making… now’s the time to hit “go”. As long as you’ve done your research and feel confident that you’re basing your decision on facts, your instincts will not lead you astray. There’s gonna be some naysayers who don’t get why you’re choosing these things, but be patient, time will reveal that you’re right and they’ll totally jump on-board.

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SUPER RESPONSIBLE. It’s a week of getting sh*t done, Leo. You need to remember that you’re a badass and have influence over those around you. Don’t abuse it but make sure you’re using it towards getting things done. Whatever you do this week will have a huge payoff in the future (even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment). Don’t expect Amazon Prime results – things take time. Stay focused and get it done.

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FRESH START. So I just got a teacup tattoo and for a minute there I was panicked because it got all weird and scabby looking. But today it peeled away and revealed a fresh, cute, lil’ teacup underneath! Yeah, gross but it was the best metaphor I could find for what you’re going through right now, Virgo. Every annoying thing that’s happening is revealing a new start for you. Keep on believing – you’re on the verge of something amazing - and don’t let anyone tell you differently!

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BE AWARE. You’re very observant right now, Libra. And you’re making good use of those observations by reflecting on these experiences and figuring out what they really “mean”. That’s great – you’re totally learning but you should also stay focused on tasks at hand. Make sure you’ve got your listening hat on (something my first-grade teacher always used to say). Remain humble and take advice, consider suggestions and keep perspective. The universe is teaching you something, LISTEN!

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A-HA MOMENT. This week will be full of ‘em! Lots of things are being shaken up and it’s revealing the inner-truth to you. You need to be aware of what things are still in the air – what you need to learn and do right now to accomplish your greater goals and future plans. You’re feeling enlightened AF. But remember, not everyone else is so just chill when people are being annoying this week.

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READY, SET, GO! Damn, Sagittarius – you’re moving at an awesome pace now that all those annoying obstacles are out of your way. The universe is opening up again and sending you into new territories which you totally didn’t see coming. And here’s the thing – it’s hoping you’ll find that your passions are meant to be shared. That one thing that you’re so effing good at, that makes time disappear and you just love it so much… you’re supposed to be doing that and putting it out into the world. Ride this amazing energy and who knows where you’ll end up!

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PLAN IT OUT. So you probably already know what I’m going to say because THAT’S how intuitive you’re feeling this week. You’re seeing clearly and feeling in sync with your inner-self. Use this time to chart out your plans for the future. Write it down and get it all out on paper (but hold off on acting just yet). Other people are going to see this and you’ll be surprised to see how on-board they are; they’re ready and willing to help. Just make sure they know EXACTLY what you want to do!

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YOU GO GIRL! There’s so many amazing things about you, Aquarius. You’re fun, hilarious, and talented AF. While you probably already know that… others will take notice and finally understand just how incredible you are. Use this attention to show ‘em what you got and do everything 110% this week. Whatever you dream, you can do!

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WHAT MATTERS MOST? You’re starting to see what’s actually important to you, Pisces, and that’s pretty effing awesome. This week you need to very clear about what other people are expecting of you and make sure you’re telling them what you need from them, too. As long as you’re all in sync with each other, whatever tasks or goals you have are sure to be knocked outta the park.

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