Snarky Scopes

UNDER PRESSURE (you totally sang that in your head). You’re going to feel the HEAT this week Aires, but in the best way possible. Work your ass off and career growth and recognition are just around the corner. It's very important to know when to take the reins and when to let others shine. The universe is holding you to the highest of standards, so honey… you bettah #WERK.

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QUESTION EVERYTHING. Check out the processes in your life and workplace that are “just done that way” and make that sh*t better. The universe is teaching you a lesson about the big picture and if you can see it, you will benefit big time. I’m talking major rewards. Help just because, without expecting much in return. Embrace the change, baby.

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RE-DIRECT! You know when you’re driving and your Waze App suddenly puts you on a new path because of some accident and it saves you a sh*t ton of time. Yeah, that’s you this week. The universe is helping you find a better avenue for your passions. It’s going to feel like a major shift but trust the journey – it’s saving you a sh*t ton of time. Handle every little task and detail and you’ll experience abundance and recognition.

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SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. There’s no “dancing around” the issues this week, Cancer. Go ahead and tell people exactly how you’re feeling and what you want, particularly in your personal relationships. If you’re able to make your expectations clear, people will show you whether or not they can meet them. Being direct and patient will lead to greater satisfaction in your life.

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GET DOWN TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER. Just like Don Henley, you’re going to feel super in tune (get it, in tune?) with your life this week; embrace the f**k out of it. You’ll see what needs to get done very clearly, especially when it comes to your health. The hardest step is the first one. Don’t ignore what the universe is telling you this week. YOU GOT THIS SH*T, LEO!

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#LFG. That stands for “LET’S F**KING GO” by the way (yeah - I’m hip, I’m with it). This week is all about you, Virgo. While everyone is experiencing a pretty good week, you’re seeing the best of it. Does that mean you’ll be handed everything on a silver platter? Not exactly. But it does mean this: overcome adversity and the world is yours. Focus on how you affect those around you, get in-step with your power, open yourself up. Determination and willpower will bring you to a whole new level of awesomeness.

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KEEP A TIGHT SHIP! Your home life is shifting into major focus this week, Libra. Get sh*t done TODAY, not next week or next month or next year. Bodies in motion, stay in motion. The more you do, the easier it becomes. And all that good stuff. Buzz with that energy and the universe will hand over some major kudos. Personal excellence isn’t a “nicety”, it’s required!

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COMMUNICATION IS KEY. The universe is pushing you to be in sync with the feelings, emotions, and intentions of others. Get on-board with this energy and it will bring out the very best in you; so much so that others will notice your incredible swagger (apparently I say things like “swagger” now). Be honest, be open, and you’ll find yourself elevated in more ways than you can imagine.

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IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS, BABY. Personal wealth is on the radar this week, Sagittarius. In order to live up to the universe’s expectations, you must be at your personal BEST. Not just good, not just great, but your absolute best. Your attitude is key to reaping these rewards. Stay positive, run hard, and keep your mind focused. If your faith is there… this week holds unlimited potential.

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ON TOP OF THE WORLD. Hey Capricorn, get ready for the best week ever. If you’re able to rise to the challenge the universe is posing, the abundance is limitless. There are going to be certain obstacles this week that will feel like the “end of the road”, but if you hit reverse and forage a new path… you’ll find the rewards are worth the work. Remain adaptable, keep your mind open, and harness the greatness.

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KEEP COOL. Sometimes, even though everything is lined up and ready to go (in your mind), it’ll feel a lot like the universe is “holding you back”. And in some ways, it is. Allow things to happen when they happen, forcing it will result in lackluster results. Self-control is key; channel those frustrated emotions towards your goals and just relax. The payoff is coming... if you’re willing to be patient.

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COMPLICATED MAGIC. In some ways, this week will feel like one big, hot, sticky mess. You might get overwhelmed and emotional AF but trust the process, Pisces. The universe is trying to tell you something. Break it down into parts and tackle it bit by bit. Focus on your relationships and nurture the f**k outta them. Interact and flourish. Do not allow yourself to get into your head this week; it’s all happening for a reason and unlikely miracles and magic are abound!

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GET IN LINE! This week is all about finding those people who share your goals and can help you achieve them much quicker than you would alone. #TEAMWORK. The key to succeeding is staying open to new ideas. People are going to say things that will make you wonder what the f**k they mean. Don’t just brush that feeling off, find out the truth behind their words. The things you learn this week will be very important in months to come.

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LEAD ON. Ya know that feeling when everything’s going your way and the sun is shining right outta your a**? Yep, that’s you this week, Taurus! You’re going to feel super motivated to get things done regardless of the obstacles in your way. The universe is giving you this power because other people need an example to follow and they’re looking at you!

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PAY ATTENTION. Sometimes we’re at our best when we’re faced with shitty circumstances. When you have $2 in your bank account, you pay way more attention to what you’re spending than when there’s $2 million in there (I wish). You’ve been having a string of good luck lately Gemini, but that doesn’t mean you should lower your standards or allow yourself to slack off. Stay focused and keep working hard; remember that’s what got you here in the first place, honey! Keep it up!

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LEARNING CURVE.  The universe is pulling you in a new direction, Cancer. And with any new experience, there’s a learning curve. Some days you’re going to shine like a motherf**king diamond. Other days, you’re gonna feel more like a piece of… coal. That’s okay, it’s all preparing you for this new path; just remember to look for the facts. Since you’re new to this stuff, you cannot assume anything. Keep decisions logical, rather than emotional.

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PLOT TWIST. Watch out Leo, the universe is playing a bit of a trick on you. You’re going to have that déjà vu feeling all week. And you’ll be all, “I know what’s going to happen because I’ve done this before,”… and right when you let your guard down, BAM, everything changes. So even though things feel familiar, pay attention and don’t assume anything. You’ll also be feeling more creative and romantic than usual; get it!

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PROACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE. This week you’ll feel like you can tackle anything that comes your way. And hey, that’s great! BUT – make sure you’re not just waiting for things to happen to you. You should be using this time to improve your life and to focus on goals you’ve had in mind. Keep an eye on financial decisions; get all the information before making any determinations.

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YOU’RE A PAIN IN THE ASS. And that’s okay! In fact, this week it’s encouraged. You should be looking to get to the bottom of anything that remains “up in the air” or incomplete. Ask allllll the questions and get the facts. Finish projects, take the time to analyze things closely, and your determination will be rewarded!

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SMOKE AND MIRRORS. You’re feeling super aware right now. Everything that’s happening seems obvious to you and you’re all “oh, this is easy”. Try again, Scorpio! Just when you think you know exactly what’s going on, you’ll find out later that it’s not what it seems. So keep an eye on things that feel undeniable; there’s more than meets the eye! If you can stay keen to this, prosperity awaits.

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TAKE YOUR DAMN TIME. What’s the rush, Sagittarius? You’re running towards decisions that haven’t been thoroughly investigated. You need to slow down and (I know this sucks) wait. Any assumptions you make are sure to be incorrect this week (it’s not just you, it’s everyone right now). Don’t force anything; time will reveal the right choice!

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YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE! You’ve been seeing some incredible growth recently and you’re going to feel ready to go forward with tenacity. But – while you Capricorns are on your glow up, other people are having a weird week and that’s going to have some major impacts on your speed. Just be patient and enjoy this moment of ass-kicking.

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GET CONNECTED. You’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately, Aquarius. And while it can be hard to get back into balance with others, it’s really important. Don’t just sit in the feeling, reach out and reconnect; the only one making you feel this way is you. It’s also a great time to look at the big picture and find hidden gems in things you would normally not consider. Get back out there, Aquarius, everyone misses you!

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THERE’S NO GOING BACK. Be incredibly careful about your choices this week, Pisces. Whatever you decide will have real consequences and ones that aren’t reversible. You’re probably feeling intuitive AF right now and you're judging people based on their potential. But remember: just because you want people to be the best versions of themselves, it doesn’t mean they will be.

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MOVIN’ AND GROOVIN’. This week will be a lot like a mullet; business up front, party in the back. The first half of the week will feel pretty normal; full of errands and things to do. In fact you might go on auto-pilot and forget to look closely at the fine print or details. Get it all done but follow instructions closely. The second half of the week will be much lighter and a great time to get social.

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PLAY NICE! Okay Taurus, settle down. You’re going to begin this week feeling a little fiery but in the words of the great T-Swift, “you need to calm down”. You have a greater effect on people than you realize. Try your best to cooperate with your peeps and as the week rolls on, you’ll get much more accomplished!

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TESTING, TESTING, 1-2. You’re probably thinking “I already know what this is going to say”, because that’s how intuitive you’ll feel this week. You can sense that there are some curve balls coming this week as the universe tests how you’ll handle greater responsibilities. If you handle it with grace, you’ll find others noticing. So take it in stride and show ‘em what you got, Gemini!

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BACK ON TRACK. These past few weeks have been full of hurdles but rest assured, this week it’ll all pay off. Things that were supposed to happen before they were set off course (by retro Jupiter and Saturn) will move forward and everything will start to make sense again. Stay focused and get it all done!

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JUST A LITTTTTLLLE FURTHER! Lately there’s been something that feels slightly out of reach. You’ve been working your tush off to get there and you’ll be happy to hear that you’re SOOOO close. But.. you’re not there yet. Don’t give up and keep pushing, you’ve got this! Look at the signs the universe is giving you this week.

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FATED FOR GREATNESS. Oh boy, Virgo… you’re moving into a pretty sweet set up! Whatever it is that you’ve been waiting for, it’s all about to happen for you. Focus on accomplishing important tasks and fate will do the rest. Your hopes and dreams are looking easily attainable right now. WOO!

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PLAN IT OUT. Make sure you’ve got a solid action plan this week, Libra. During the start of the week the universe will try to show you greater financial opportunities if you’re willing to see them. You’re on the right path but some unexpected turn of events could throw you off course without written intentions. Pay close attention to the partnerships you’re in and the agreements you make.

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LIVE LIKE THE SWISS. This week you have one goal: remain neutral. Whatever happens, pass no judgements unless you’re seriously sure you know every single thing happening behind the scenes. The universe is trying to create some awesome opportunities for you but they’ll only come to fruition if you’re totally unbiased. Not everything is as it seems.

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IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BIGGER PICTURE. Try your best not to get caught up in the minor details this week, Sagittarius. Doing so will lead you off path and the universe is trying really hard to move you forward. In fact, as long as you keep working hard and focusing on what you’re best at, the universe will handle the rest. Everyone around you is enthusiastic about where you’re headed so let them in!

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MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE. Take it nice and slow this week, Capricorn! There are so many things happening behind the scenes and they can have a major impact on your future. Pay attention to the details and what others are saying around you as opportunity lies in unexpected situations.

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PLAYING BOTH SIDES OF THE FIELD. Look at you, all-knowing Aquarius. You’ve got the magical ability to remain completely neutral and pragmatic this week. Your detached, non-judgemental approach to conversations and situations is needed this week. Pay attention to everything happening as fate is in play; keep taking the high road.

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FIGHT FOR EQUALITY. You’ve been feeling hella good lately, Pisces. Your talents and abilities have been in full force but your success is pivoting on something different… cooperation and equal partnerships. Make sure that there’s a balance in your working relationships and you’re sure to make magic happen.

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LET IT GO, SIS! And focus on the future. This week you’ll need to put any old issues to rest for good. Take the lessons you’ve learned to heart and apply them in preparing for the future. Home, friends and family will shift into heavy focus. Use that Aires determination to lay the foundation for months to come.

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GIVE IT YOUR ALL! This week’s chart is full of potential and if you can harness that Taurus devotion, the sky is the limit. Stay out of your own way and remove any mental barriers you have. With the right determination, you can quite literally do anything you desire this week.

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IT’S YOUR WEEK! Alright Gemini, this is the chart you’ve been waiting for. Get ready to have an awesome few days and watch your confidence grow. But a word of caution, don’t get carried away in this energy. You might end up saying or doing things that others find offensive. Just enjoy this wave and watch others as they recognize you at work and in your social circles.

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DECISIONS, DECISIONS. This week you’re going to be faced with some heavy choices. In particular you'll find yourself having to choose between your own individual motives and the goals of the group. Be very careful in selecting your path and how it will affect those around you. However, luck is in your corner; be willing to listen to that famous Cancer intuition and trust your gut.

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TAKE THE HIGH ROAD. While you normally storm into any situation, you’ll have to be a lot more cautious this week. Not your strong suit, we know. There is a major air of luck in your chart but there is also potential for putting it all on the line (and losing it). Follow the rules, take your time, and be the better person in conflicts.

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ADAPT AND EVOLVE. This is a great chart for you, Virgo. While there are things that will come up from the past, you’ve got to put it all to bed and get ready for a bright future. Tuck your emotions away and focus on preparing for what lies ahead. It’s going to be great as long as you’re willing to adapt and move forward with it. Use that Virgo diligence and get it done. 

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GET YA BRAIN RIGHT. Your mind is buzzin', Libra! There are so many new thoughts and ideas coming at you and while it can be energizing, it can also be exhausting. If you don't have an “action plan” this week, you’ll likely get lost and accomplish less than anticipated. Get your to-do list written down so you can make the most of this energy. Map it all out and get it all done.

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DON’T COMPLICATE IT. You may find yourself at a crossroads this week, Scorpio. And while you may fuss over the path you’ll take, just know that either one will get you where you want to go. This decision is really going to be about HOW you want to get there and what you want to see along the way. It’s the journey, not the destination this week. Don’t make decisions harder than they really are.

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YOU GO, GIRL! You feel that? That’s the feeling of #WINNING in every area of your life, Sagittarius. You’ll experience incredible waves of energy; ride them and put your all into the things you do.  If you do, you’re going to be incredibly successful. This energy will ebb and flow so relax when it pulls back and go hard when it pushes you.

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QUESTION EVERYTHING. The thing about our fate is… it’s ours and ours alone. We are solely responsible for the outcomes in our life. While it’s important to have trust in others, we must be very careful who we give it to. Self-discipline is one of your biggest strengths, so use it. Keep your guard up and stay in control of your decisions this week, Capricorn.

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TO BE OR NOT TO BE. This week will be very interesting for you, Aquarius. While it may seem like you’re overly focused on the day-to-day details, the universe is trying to ensure that you’re questioning your current life path. Are you happy or are you just stubborn and unwilling to change? Your fate is speaking to you; are you listening?

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NO PRESSURE. While you may feel that there are decisions that MUST be made right now, the truth is, these decisions are more optional than required. Choices around filling roles will be particularly cloudy this week but rest assured, it serves a purpose. There is an underlying energy that is exposing truths so be brave and resist the pressure to choose something that isn’t quite right.

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WE ARE LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD, AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL. It’s the perfect time to buy that special item you’ve been eyeing up (tea, perhaps?) as your energy shifts and becomes more materially focused. Do your research, know the value, and use that Aires confidence to negotiate a great deal!

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GET SH*T DONE, HON. This is a great week to put your needs first (for once) and get all those tasks on your to-do list checked off. While it’s in your nature to be a smidge stubborn, keep your eyes and ears open as others are offering advice that might lead to success in your future.

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GET A GRIP. This week can swing hard in either direction, Gemini. If you’re able to keep your cool and make logical (rather than emotional - yes, we're looking at you) decisions, this week can propel you into a better place. The energy you’re experiencing can also make you very impatient but don’t get ahead of yourself (this will be very important). There are others who are aligning to help you achieve your goals; as long as you’re willing to let them.

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FAITH, TRUST, AND A LIL’ PIXIE DUST. It’s time to listen to all those voices in your head (we know you’ve got plenty of ‘em), trust your gut, and focus on the things you know to be true. Follow through on any promises and make sure people are following through on theirs. This week is going to have a heavy focus on trusting yourself.

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GIVE IT 100%. Whatever you do this week, do it to the very best of your abilities. Showcase that Leo excellence, even if there aren’t rewards or accolades waiting for you.  It’s especially important to make sure you aren’t being too self-centered this week; help those that need it and without the expectation of payment. You might even like this newfound selflessness (you probably won't love it but it's fine, you're a Leo afterall).

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GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. This week the universe is pushing you to take it easy and be kind to yourself. Do you really have to color-coordinate every closet in your house, or can you maybe leave it for another time? Self-care is necessary, especially for hard-working Virgos! Make sure you’re careful in conversations as people might be confused by things you say.

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#WERK. Take care of all those little projects that are lying around and get busy, Libra! Anything that remains unfinished might come back to bite you in the a** later on. It’s a week for preparation and future-focus. The planets are aligning for a great few weeks ahead so use this week to nail down any loose ends. Preparation now will pay off later.

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SHAKE IT OFF. You’ll be taking a walk down memory lane this week, Scorpio. It’s time to let go of any past issues or hurt; your baggage is slowing you down and needs to be unloaded once and for all. This is a time of high activity and progress with a focus on relationships. Clean out those emotional closets and make room for new (better) memories.

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STREAMLINE & UNWIND. This week you need to let go of all activities that have no real reward tied to them and focus on those things that will “pay off”. Allowing yourself to do so will give your financial situation a nice little boost. You might feel more relaxed than usual and you’ll be able to harness this energy to really sink into the things you’re doing.

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LIFE IS A’CHANGING. And while you tend to expect the worst (don't even lie), this type of change is for the best. Dreams and goals will be reawakened and you’ll find yourself accomplishing things you once deemed impossible. The best part? You’ll get it all done with ease. It’s a life-changing week, Capricorn! While things may seem to fall into place, you’ll still need to work hard to maximize the potential with this energy.

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TAP THAT THIRD EYE. Your psychic intuition it on high alert this week, Aquarius. You’re seeing the future clearly and all the possibilities are laid out before you. A powerful energy is swooping into your chart and lighting fire to old desires and dreams that seem much more attainable today. It's the perfect kind of week for a lil' weirdo like you.

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GLOW ON, GURL. It’s your week, Pisces! You’re going to experience an aligning of the heart and mind which will feel like a total rebirth (and perfect for gentle souls like yours). Difficult tasks will be done with ease. It’s a great time to kick off health programs (perhaps our six- week Get Fit Kit?) and other personal growth endeavors.  

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