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Snarky Scopes

Snarky Scopes - Week of March 30

Snarky Scopes - Week of March 30

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TO THE LETTER. That’s your motto this week, Aries. Get right down to the nitty gritty and make sure you fully understand the expectations and what’s required of you. There may be some hidden requirements or sneaky wording so keep an eye on that shit. People are looking to support you, don’t give them reasons to second-guess it.

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THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDIN’. I’ve always loved that saying… but mostly I just really f**king love pudding. Anyway, this week will be a slow build, Taurus. Keep pushing and you’ll find that each win will lead to another, and another, and another. Let this track record of growing success speak for itself; you won’t need to brag and it’s definitely best not to.

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ASK BEFORE YA ACT. Got a question? ASK IT! This week is all about making sure you’re clear on the facts, Gemini. Make sure you understand the particulars of everything you’re involved in. Especially if it’s a new project; get that shit in writing. This will come into play later. Stay sharp and look for the deeper meaning!

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PUZZLE QUEEN. That’s you this week, Cancer. You’re taking all of the information you’ve been given in past weeks and piecing them together to see the bigger picture. It’s like a big, beautiful puzzle. This clarity is giving you some mental relief and confidence which attracts others professionally and romantically.

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LADIES, START YOUR ENGINES! You’re off to the races this week, Leo! There’s an inner-drive and elevated energy that’s got you doing circles around the competition. This positive vibe is creating positive outcomes in your life as you’re able to see issues from every side. This will help in resolving conflicts and reaching understanding.

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SHINE ON! It’s a great week for you, Virgo. You’re in a high cycle and it’s allowing you to accomplish anything you put your mind to. People are noticing, and listening, to you so take advantage of this influence and keep it positive. Get it, girl!

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BUSY BEE. Keep it buzzin’ this week, Libra! You have a favorable chart and it’s geared for success. Whatever you’ve been putting off, do it now and you’re likely to kick ass and knock it outta the park. The opportunities are boundless. One warning: keep communications and expectations clear to avoid confusion.

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PSYCHIC AF. You’re feeling pretty in-tune with the universe right now, Scorpio. You’re not only intuitive, you can actually feel the pulls of energy within your soul . And you should take advantage of it. Ride those good vibes and get shit done. Pick up on the information the universe is sending you; your fate is in the drivers seat.

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HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, SAG. Do you ever feel like you’re being watched? That’s because they are! People are naturally drawn to your leadership this week. They’re coming to you for insights and direction. Make sure you’re clear in what and how you’re communicating so you can give the best advice. Understand the details and let that knowledge guide you.

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READ THE ROOM. You’ve got a great energy this week and it’s setting you up for success, Capricorn. The key is understanding what other people need and giving it to them. Doing this will mean big ups in your career and at the bank. CHA-CHING. Bonus: when people feel understood, their love for you will amplify.

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PERSPECTIVE IS EVERYTHING. Don’t make things harder than they are, Aquarius. If a task seems daunting, step back and break it down. Make a list of smaller goals to accomplish bigger ones. Most importantly: if you’re getting overwhelmed, take a breath and understand that you can handle it. In the larger scheme of things, these issues are super manageable.

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DON’T RISK IT! This is not a time for dangerous behavior, Pisces. Pay close attention to the details and err on the side of caution. It's not a good time to sign contracts or make long-term commitments. Your chart has a heavy focus on relationships. Build time into your schedule for those you love and focus on the bonds in your home and family life.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of March 23

Snarky Scopes - Week of March 23

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BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE. There’s a lot of f**king chaos in the world right now yet somehow you cant help but feeling a sense of security, Aries. And it’s this quiet confidence combined with some good ole’ fashioned patience is sure to bring even more amazing opportunities your way.  Go ahead and let the universe deliver it to your front door. You’ve got luck on your side.

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IT’S ALL RELATIVE. At least for you it is, Taurus. Right now the universe is pushing you to do some work on the relationships in your life. It might feel annoying AF; like you’re doing circles with people around the same old issues. But trust the process. Your future is very dependent on the quality of the core relationships in your life (at home and work) so now is the time to make sure they’re solid. The better they are, the better you’ll be.

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HUMILITY. You’re gonna be riding some high energy this week, Gemini. So high, in fact, that you’ll be going out on a limb in the things you say and do. But don’t do it, girl! This kind of chart can be really f**king tricky. It’s important for you to stay humble this week. There’s so many details you don’t actually know yet. Enjoy the boost but be patient and open in your conversations and actions.

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EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. That’s you this week, Cancer. People are relying on you pretty heavily right now.. At the same time you’re wondering who the f**k you can lean on. Of course to make matters worse, your chart has you feeling super emotional. Step one: understand that people turn to you because they know you’re reliable and strong (it’s a compliment). Step two: explain what you can help with and what your limitations are. Step three: keep those emotions in check and don’t lose your shit, you’ll regret it. You got this!

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CALM THE F**K DOWN. Okay Leo, deep breaths. You’re feeling amped up about a lot of different things (and people) this week.  It may seem like there’s a lot of pressure on you and other people aren’t holding up their end of the deal. But keep that lioness caged! Don’t react in anger, step back and assess the best way to communicate your needs; there may be things you don't yet know. They’re going to learn something from how you handle yourself and this will benefit you in the end.

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BE RATIONAL. The energy building within you has become so strong you feel like you might burst, Virgo. You want to get creative, express yourself, and shout it from the rooftops but there’s so many f**king obstacles in the way. Don’t allow yourself to get frustrated. Channel this badass energy into a quiet determination that allows you to think and act rationally. It will, in the end, be the greatest asset of all.

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CHAMELEON ENERGY. WTF is going on, Libra?! You’ve been shifting from one extreme to another and you’re probably wondering when it’s going to end. Believe it or not this chaos is meant to teach you a valuable lesson about flexibility. And each little mishap or obstacle that seems to push you further from your goals, is actually putting you right where you’ve always dreamed of being. Trust the journey.

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BETTER THAN EVER. There’s been quite a few bumps in the road lately, Scorpio. You’ve dealt with these issues head-on and learned some very valuable lessons. Now that you’re out on the other side, you’re feeling pretty damn good about yourself. And you should be! Move forward with this confidence and the quiet strength of knowing that you can handle whatever crosses your path. You’re ready to kick ass. One caution: don’t forget to show appreciation to the people and things around you.

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SHINE, BABY. There’s certain things that a Sagittarius does best. Caring for others in a way that is deeply genuine, without judgement. The ability to spread information and remain informed without bragging about it. It is your time to shine. These things you do intuitively are not so easy for others and they’re looking at you with admiration. Go ahead and show them through example; it is your gift!

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IT’S ALL HAPPENING. You’ve been working your ass off, Capricorn. Many of the things you’re working towards aren’t immediate pay offs, but long-term plans. This week, all of that work starts paying dividends. Little by little you’ll find all that patience and dedication has started to turn into real results. That doesn’t mean you can start doing whatever you want; it means now more than ever you need to continue on this same path. Keep focused on the future.

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SQUASH THAT EGO. There’s so many things you want right now, Aquarius. But don’t get so locked into your own needs that you forget about the needs of other people. There is a way to compromise and find the plan that’s best for everyone involved. It’s also important to remember that the universe doesn’t give us everything we want; it gives us what we need. What you have may not be exactly what you pictured but it can certainly make you happy if you let it. Is it your expectations that need adjusting?

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GET OVER IT. You’ve got a very interesting chart, Pisces. You’re at a turning point even though you may not know it. In order to move forward, you’ve got to let go of anything that is holding you back. Whatever it is that is making you second-guess yourself needs to hit the motherf**king road. Remember the lessons you’ve learned but stop letting your history keep you from following your dreams. Live in the moment, not in the past.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of March 16

Snarky Scopes - Week of March 16

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BUILD ON IT. Bodies in motion, stay in motion, Aries. That’s not just a cliché, it’s true, and it’s especially true for you this week. Get inspired in the mornings through movement and you’ll find yourself kicking ass all day. Each new win will lead to another, and another, and so on. Just take that first big step everyday and keep going!

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WALK GENTLY. There’s a lot of info coming at you this week, Taurus. While it’s easy to react and judge, you need to resist the temptation (even though it can be really f**king trying). Practice humility, listen closely and be understanding to receive the messages the universe is sending you. There should be a focus on quality of work this week; your career is in focus.

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FEELIN’ IT.  Y’all Geminis have been through the ringer lately. But you’re starting to see some much welcomed relief this week – phew! It’s important to be completely “in tune” with everything you do right now. Don’t just do it, feel it and look for the hidden messages. If you’re able to get a grip on that vibe, you’ll be ass kicking in no time.  

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#WINNING. It’s looking reeeeal good for you right now, Cancer. Your chart is on point and the best part: you don’t have to do anything outside of what you normally do to achieve success. Do your best not to fuck it up by allowing others to pick fights; don’t take the bait. Just keep doing you!

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ROLL WITH IT. This crazy ass week is liable to give you whiplash, Leo. There will be lots of twist and turns but trust the ride. New information and unexpected opportunities could be hiding at every turn. This is meant to lead you into new territory. Details will become important so stay sharp.

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PIECE IT TOGETHER. There’s been some missing links lately, Virgo. You’ve been trying to figure some shit out but it hasn’t quite clicked. That changes this week. You’re starting to get the info you need to see the big picture. Whatever you say now will be impactful so make it clear and make it count.

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GET UNSTUCK. Everything that happens this week will pull you away from your normal day-to-day activities. While you’ll be handling your responsibilities as you normally would, the universe is pushing you to think about yourself (for once). Have you been taking time to relax? Put plans in place to guarantee you’re getting the break you deserve.

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DON’T COMPROMISE. You’ve been kicking ass lately, Scorpio. And this week will be no different. But when there’s more to lose, we have more to protect. Let those instincts kick in and deliver 110% on everything you do. Allow yourself to get connected on a deeper level to your goals; pour your heart into it and you’ll guarantee success.

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GIVE AND TAKE. This week it’s time to focus on the balance in your life, and in particular, your relationships. Are you getting out of it what you’re putting into it? Are you even putting anything in? Assessing this can help you sort out the healthy connections and the shitty ones and act accordingly. It’s super important to use this week to do so; it’ll come into play in the future.

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ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES. And get to #werk sweetie. Sometimes life is easy breezy but right now you need to get your hands dirty. Remember, the first step is the hardest but once you get some momentum you’ll be unstoppable girl. These things might seem menial but trust the process… it’ll all pay off in a bigger way than you think.

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ME-TIME. That’s what you need this week, Aquarius. Sometimes we all need to lock ourselves away, turn on some of our favorite jams and turn our focus to the things that really matter to us. Right now you need to find the balance between your responsibilities and the things you really love to do and find intrinsically rewarding. Give yourself permission to do you.

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WHO DO YOU LOVE? Whoever it is… focus on them this week, Pisces. There’s a lot of balls in the air right now and it’s important to let people know what your priorities are. Turn your focus on your family, friends, and home life and ensure those people are feeling the love. There’s going to be some events down the road that will require solid foundations in these areas.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of March 9

Snarky Scopes - Week of March 9

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IN THE MONEY. You’ve got your mind on your money and your money on your mind this week, Aries. You have a special ability right now to see what people want and how you can give it to them; use this kickass super power to amplify those financial gains. It’s an awesome time to look at future planning and career advancements but don’t make any commitments just yet. Get your plan written down.

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WE’RE REMODELING! It’s time to revamp a few things this week, Taurus. If you’re finding yourself on shaky ground in some areas of your life, step back and fix that shit. Your success will depend upon finding balance with those around you. Remember, you don’t have to do it all on your own; learn to work as a team.

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BUCKLE UP. It’s going to be a week of unexpected events, Gemini. While this can be annoying AF, it's not for nothing. Everything you’re running into is meant to teach you something. The main message will be that you need to find more time for yourself and the things you love to do. Are you being relied on a little too heavily? Tell those bitches what’s up in the nicest way possible and free yourself up a bit.

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CLEAR IT UP. There’s a lot of open-ended deals or opportunities circulating in your world this week, Cancer. Before you commit to any of this shit, make sure you’ve sealed up every loose end and answered alllllll of the questions you have. There’s a chance for mixed up assumptions so cut if off now and strengthen your chances at success.

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SHOW ‘EM. This week is all about showing people that you mean motherf**kin’ business, Leo. Sometimes people confuse niceness with weakness but you are anything but a pushover. You have high standards and it’s for good reason. Put your foot down and show your strength up front so there isn’t any confusion down the road.

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SUNNIER DAYS AHEAD. There’s been a lot of transitions happening lately, Virgo. You’re going through and closing out one chapter and opening up a new one. It can be a pain in the ass for sure but new beginnings are right around the corner and the future looks hella bright. While you’re doing the work to close out your current projects, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Stay optimistic, it’s all clearing up!

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HIGHER AND HIGHER. Look at you go, Libra! Your goals and passions are bigger than ever and allowing you to see possibilities way beyond what you’ve ever imagined. New levels of energy and drive will fuel you to accomplish it all. It’s okay to keep quiet if you’re not quite ready to share these plans or current feelings; it’s more about observation as you nail down the details. Get it girl!

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LOOKING FORWARD. You’ve been doing a lot of work in the foundational parts of your life recently, Scorpio. And it’s paying off. While you still have things to handle, particularly in the relationship sector, the systems you put in place are freeing up your time. Knowing everything is handled in the present allows you to plan for the future. There’s a lot of new exciting shit coming your way. Niiiiice.

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BREAK THROUGH. Sometimes life throws us a few curve balls not because it hates us (it doesn't) but because it wants to teach us something about ourselves. The universe is asking you to dig deep and realize how friggin' awesome you are. Obstacles that are popping up may seem annoying but once you’ve hurdled them, you’ll feel an overpowering sense of accomplishment and pride. That’s because you rock, and you should be more aware of that fact.

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PLAN IT OUT. Your mind is buzzing with creativity right now, Capricorn. This energy can be really friggin' awesome but it can also leave you feeling a little frazzled. Make a list with all of your current goals and new ideas and then launch some action plans to get that shit done. Your chart is looking hella sweet – the sky is the limit!

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A GREATER UNDERSTANDING. You seem to have a better idea of not just what you want, but how you get there. It’s a great time to find like-minded individuals and start brainstorming/bouncing ideas off of them. They can help carry you forward but don’t sign up for any commitments to them just yet. Family and friends step into focus as well; get any shit at home sorted out.

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CHANGE IS COMING. Damn, it’s been a rough go lately, Pisces. But this week it starts to turn around. Change is igniting in many areas of your life and leading to some relief. It might take a hot minute for this to completely alleviate your issues but it will happen one day at a time. Times like these can turn impossibilities into realities so prepare yourself for a kickass ride.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of March 2

Snarky Scopes - Week of March 2

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SHAKE IT UP. This week is all about new experiences, Aries. You’ll be a bit of a social butterfly as you ride out a mysteriously intriguing energy. Get down with these vibes and let them carry you outside of your normal routine and comforts. Don’t commit to anything, just enjoy the moment.

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LOCK IN AND LISTEN. You have an unbelievable amount of focus this week, Taurus. And every task you mark off the list will make you feel like a million bucks. Kick ass and ride that productive energy to the max. Random events or news might throw you for a loop but pay close attention to what people are saying and learn whatever lessons you can.

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RISE ABOVE THE BULLSHIT. Don’t let the dicks get ya down this week, Gemini. There might be some shady comments or rude undertones coming your way. With Mercury still in retrograde, it’s important to keep your shit together; don’t stoop to their level by adding fuel to the fire. Keep a team mentality and think about the big picture.

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KICK BACK. Enjoy your tribe this week, Cancer. Good convo, good friends, and good vibes are headed your way. There’s a ton of love in the atmosphere, both socially and romantically, but don’t make any commitments right now. Allow yourself to relax and just live in the moment without a bunch of annoying “future planning”.

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CLEAR AND CONCISE. That’s how you’ll want to be with everyone in your world right now, Leo. There’s a lot of looming potential to whip things into shape and capitalize on efficiencies in your life. But in order to do this, you’ll have to get real with the people involved. Let them know exactly what you need and how you need it done then watch the magic unfold.

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BE YOUR BEST SELF. No exceptions this week, Virgo. Don’t let any bullshit get in your way and make sure you give 100% in every single thing you do. You’re building your future and whatever you put into it, you’ll get back out of it. With charts like this you have major potential for monetary enhancements so keep it fresh, baby!

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IT’S ALL IN THE DETAILS. Ya know how people say, “don’t sweat the small stuff”? Yeah, do the opposite of that this week, Libra. Look at every detail and make sure you’re 100% happy with the results. Personal excellence is required and written agreements are mandatory. It’s also important to understand the shit you’re saying and doing and how it impacts others.

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GET SELFISH. This week is all about numero uno, Scorpio. With Mercury in retrograde it’s not a great time to rely on other people and this is especially true this week. Stay in your own lane and focus on your own shit right now. People might say or do things to get in your good graces; you might be suspicious (you should be) but don’t stir the pot.

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DON’T BE AN ASS. You’ll be vibin’ with lots of people on the social scene this week, Sagittarius. They will be attracted to your energy and want to strike up fun conversation but be careful not to take it too far. With Mercury in retrograde it’s very possible that others will take your “harmless” joke the wrong way. Enjoy it but be cautious.

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WHICH WAY? It’ll be a question you ask yourself a lot this week, Capricorn. Which way are you meant to go; which decision are you meant to make? Yep, these choices might lead you to very different places but the good news is: there isn’t “one right” choice. It’s truly a matter of your personal leanings and where you want to go. So do the research, understand the impacts, and ultimately…listen to yourself. That bitch is brilliant.

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DOIN’ REAL GOOD, HON. It’s a great week for you, Aquarius. You’re not just feeling powerful, you are powerful! People are listening to your input and it’s making a difference. You’ll get a second chance at some missed opportunities from the past and many brand new ones will pop up along the way. It’s lookin’ great, doll.

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COLLECTING THE PIECES. You’re feeling like a real sleuth right now, Pisces. Things that fly right over everyone else’s heads seem super obvious to you. While you’ll be picking up on others mistakes left and right, wait a second before you comment on them. There are other pieces to put together before you can really add value. And trust me, there’s still a lot of other shit to uncover!

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