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      Snarky Scopes

      Snarky Scopes - Week of September 16

      Snarky Scopes - Week of September 16

      DON'T FORGET TO SHOP YOUR 'SCOPE!

      WE ARE LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD, AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL. It’s the perfect time to buy that special item you’ve been eyeing up (tea, perhaps?) as your energy shifts and becomes more materially focused. Do your research, know the value, and use that Aires confidence to negotiate a great deal!

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      GET SH*T DONE, HON. This is a great week to put your needs first (for once) and get all those tasks on your to-do list checked off. While it’s in your nature to be a smidge stubborn, keep your eyes and ears open as others are offering advice that might lead to success in your future.

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      GET A GRIP. This week can swing hard in either direction, Gemini. If you’re able to keep your cool and make logical (rather than emotional - yes, we're looking at you) decisions, this week can propel you into a better place. The energy you’re experiencing can also make you very impatient but don’t get ahead of yourself (this will be very important). There are others who are aligning to help you achieve your goals; as long as you’re willing to let them.

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      FAITH, TRUST, AND A LIL’ PIXIE DUST. It’s time to listen to all those voices in your head (we know you’ve got plenty of ‘em), trust your gut, and focus on the things you know to be true. Follow through on any promises and make sure people are following through on theirs. This week is going to have a heavy focus on trusting yourself.

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      GIVE IT 100%. Whatever you do this week, do it to the very best of your abilities. Showcase that Leo excellence, even if there aren’t rewards or accolades waiting for you.  It’s especially important to make sure you aren’t being too self-centered this week; help those that need it and without the expectation of payment. You might even like this newfound selflessness (you probably won't love it but it's fine, you're a Leo afterall).

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      GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. This week the universe is pushing you to take it easy and be kind to yourself. Do you really have to color-coordinate every closet in your house, or can you maybe leave it for another time? Self-care is necessary, especially for hard-working Virgos! Make sure you’re careful in conversations as people might be confused by things you say.

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      #WERK. Take care of all those little projects that are lying around and get busy, Libra! Anything that remains unfinished might come back to bite you in the a** later on. It’s a week for preparation and future-focus. The planets are aligning for a great few weeks ahead so use this week to nail down any loose ends. Preparation now will pay off later.

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      SHAKE IT OFF. You’ll be taking a walk down memory lane this week, Scorpio. It’s time to let go of any past issues or hurt; your baggage is slowing you down and needs to be unloaded once and for all. This is a time of high activity and progress with a focus on relationships. Clean out those emotional closets and make room for new (better) memories.

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      STREAMLINE & UNWIND. This week you need to let go of all activities that have no real reward tied to them and focus on those things that will “pay off”. Allowing yourself to do so will give your financial situation a nice little boost. You might feel more relaxed than usual and you’ll be able to harness this energy to really sink into the things you’re doing.

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      LIFE IS A’CHANGING. And while you tend to expect the worst (don't even lie), this type of change is for the best. Dreams and goals will be reawakened and you’ll find yourself accomplishing things you once deemed impossible. The best part? You’ll get it all done with ease. It’s a life-changing week, Capricorn! While things may seem to fall into place, you’ll still need to work hard to maximize the potential with this energy.

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      TAP THAT THIRD EYE. Your psychic intuition it on high alert this week, Aquarius. You’re seeing the future clearly and all the possibilities are laid out before you. A powerful energy is swooping into your chart and lighting fire to old desires and dreams that seem much more attainable today. It's the perfect kind of week for a lil' weirdo like you.

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      GLOW ON, GURL. It’s your week, Pisces! You’re going to experience an aligning of the heart and mind which will feel like a total rebirth (and perfect for gentle souls like yours). Difficult tasks will be done with ease. It’s a great time to kick off health programs (perhaps our six- week Get Fit Kit?) and other personal growth endeavors.  

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      Snarky Scopes - Week of September 9

      Snarky Scopes - Week of September 9

      DON'T FORGET TO SHOP YOUR 'SCOPE!

      DÉJÀ VU. This week is gonna feel really effing weird; like everything you see and hear seem eerily familiar. Whenever this happens, it’s a sign to BE CAREFUL. There’s a lot happening beneath the surface right now and this déjà vu feeling is a build-up to some surprises on the horizon. It’s all in the details this week so get that magnifying glass out and pay close attention!

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      MOVIN’ AND GROOVIN’. This is a great week to put yourself on display. You’re feeling a whole lotta awesome energy and it’s connecting you with the things you love (art, music, working with your hands). When you’re in your element, others notice and are drawn to it. In fact, you’ll be so magnetic this week you may find some new friends. Warning: you should put that world-famous practicality to use because these new buddies may be showing up for the wrong reasons. Be suspicious AF.

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      WHERE YOU GOIN’? As a Gemini, you’re pretty used to feelings of indecisiveness. This week, those feelings will be amplified and you might question your current life direction. Don’t panic; this is a good energy and you should know that if you aren’t happy with your present situations, you’ll be getting a chance to change them very soon. It’s also a week to showcase your affectionate nature and be helpful to anyone who needs you. You little sweetie, you.

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      WHO PUT YOU IN CHARGE? You might hear that a lot this week. There’s an emphasis on relationships and figuring out everyone’s roles to avoid any confusion or issues in the future. Some people may question your authoritative stance so use that persuasive nature to combat their fears. “I GOT THIS, B*TCH!”. Overall, you’ll feel yourself quickly moving from one activity to another and honestly… it’ll be a little freeing.

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      TALENT FOR MILES. Just when you thought you couldn’t get any better… you totally do. This week you’ll surprise yourself with some hidden talents and skills. And honey, it’s got the potential to be hella lucrative. Those opportunities for prosperity will present themselves when the time is right so just focus on developing yourself and everything else will fall in place.

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      OUTTA CONTROL! That’s how it’ll feel this week. And truthfully, many things that happen will be out of your control – it’s how you react that will change the course of events. Just when you’re ready to LOSE IT; don’t! This is all happening for a reason and it’s leading you to your best life so just keep cool and focus on delivering excellence (which you totally will because you’re a hardworking MF’er).

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      YOU’VE GOT THE POWER. But you gotta chill with it. People may feel a little overwhelmed by your energy this week. I know we've been telling you this a lot recently, but remain focused on the details in decision-making. Issues will pop up but rest assured that all these complications are here to restore balance and cooperation in your life.  You’ve been going through a lot of sh*t recently and it’s SO IMPORTANT that you don’t lose faith. The universe is pushing you forward for a brighter future and growth can be painful. Push through it.

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      DOIN’ REAL GOOD, HON! This week is going to be really effing great, Scoprio. You’re finding yourself full of promise and happier than you’ve been in some time. In fact, you’ll be feeling extra grateful and open to hearing what the universe is saying. Keep an eye on everyone around you that seems to be #winning and send vibes of encouragement because… you’re next!

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      THINK IT THROUGH. Whatever decisions you make this week will have major impact on the next few months and (try not to panic) you won’t be able to hit “undo” on anything you choose. Put that impatience out to pasture as you’ll need to take your time in all decision-making. You’ve been feeling restrained lately and unfortunately it’s gonna hang around a bit this week but it will pass!

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      DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.. YET. You’re gonna feel like you’re standing still this week but there’s a reason for it. The universe is saying that you really need to dig deeper for understanding and to restore balance in your relationships before you can move forward. It’s annoying AF but it’s so you don’t fall into bad situations down the road so take this chance to reassess and set things right.

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      LOVE IS IN THE AIR. This is a great week for light and airy fun, especially when it comes to love (new or old). This energy will help reveal which people in your life are ride or die and which ones are phony bologna (wow haven’t used that expression since the 5th grade). There may be some bumps in the road as you sort through this info so don’t judge everyone too quickly; something beautiful may be hiding just beneath the surface.

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      DIG DEEP, BABY. You’ve got a lot of things to do this week and you need to stay focused on finishing them. There’s going to be a lot of distractions but you need to learn to say “no,” and complete your own tasks. You may also see some familiar faces this week, reappearing in new roles. Overall, stay focused!

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      Snarky Scopes - Week of September 2

      Snarky Scopes - Week of September 2

      DON'T FORGET TO SHOP YOUR 'SCOPE!

      GOT CHANGE? This week Aries will feel some major shifts in direction – but don’t get all moody on us, it’s gonna be a good thing! While some sticky situations may appear, putting that world-famous Aries determination first will result in some major kudos at work. But remember not to get too confident (yeah, right); unnecessary risks should be avoided at all costs. Focus on doing your very best this week!

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      SIT DOWN AND LISTEN! Absolutely everything you see and hear this week are deeper than they seem. The universe is trying to tell you something so don't be stubborn and pay attention to the signs it's showing you. Since you’re the most practical and patient person you know it should be easy to sit back and take it all in. Also, is it just me or are you totally singing Ace of Base right now? “I saw the siiiign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign…”.

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      YOU’RE A NERVOUS WRECK. As usual. But remember that whatever happened in the past must be left in the rearview mirror. You need to focus on being as positive as possible (like, annoyingly positive). Wake up each day and appreciate the fresh slate you’ve been given. It’s what the universe wants for you. Oh, side note: it’s also an awesome week to harmonize with your fellow humanoids. Enjoy each day!

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      LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! So, there's this amazing new thing called "optimism" and you should tooootally try it. The universe is pushing you in new directions and with that award-winning Cancer tenacity and an attempt to conceal that tendency towards pessimism, you’re sure to come out on top. While you may have a natural “stranger danger”, teaming up with people who have the same goals as you will bring you new opportunities.

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      YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ME ROOOOAR! Um, hellooooo, how GREAT is life at the moment?! You are in the universe’s good graces and will continue to crush it this week. But don’t let that arrogance take over. Just because it’s good right now, doesn’t mean you should take risks, especially when it comes to your reputation. Keep that rep FRESH and roll with the good times (we know you will).

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      MOVE OVER, SHY GUY! This week your natural timidness will take the backseat and you’ll actually enjoy the attention for once. That one-of-a-kind personality will really shine this week but don’t get too carried away with this newfound admiration. Ignoring chores and responsibilities will get you in some deep sh*t down the road. Just keep being you because that’s what they’re coming to see.

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      IT’S ONLY TEMPORARY. Okay Libra, you’re well-known for your diplomacy and this week, you’re gonna need it. Your chart has this suuuuper annoying “go, stop, go”, energy. But, as with any issue, recognizing it’s a problem is the first step. Be aware that this is the theme of the week and you won’t get all passive-aggressive with people (like you normally do). You might find that others seem more stubborn than normal; just be patient and fair-minded which you’re totally great at.

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      A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES. Gaaaag. I know, you hate that kind of sh*t, but it’s true! You’re feeling way more sentimental than normal but you’ll be surprised to find that this touchy-feely emotional stuff isn’t TOO bad this week. The universe is pulling you towards new adventures and you just have to trust it. Go with the flow, Scorpio, and you’ll find yourself fulfilling some longtime goals and dreams. SCORE!

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      STAY IN THE MOMENT. While you haaaate constraints more than anything, this week you’ll have to stay focused on what’s happening right in front of you. You’re going to have very clear visions about what needs to be done and exactly how to do it. This forward energy is awesome for execution but be careful because rushing or getting too far ahead of yourself will lead to mistakes. Try to have patience (yes, I know it’s difficult for you) and take everything as it comes.

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      THERE’S NO TURNING BACK. This is a great week for Capricorn as your ruling planet, Saturn, starts making her way back to us. You’ll be making some big decisions this week and you need to know… anything you decide will require commitment because this car has no reverse. Remain disciplined and practice that famous self-control as all your choices will carry major weight in the future. But like, no pressure.

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      YOU GOT THIS! You know all that mounting pressure you’ve been feeling lately? Well, you’re finally going to remember that you’re a badass and you can handle it. You’ll start to realize that all this stress has been part of building something bigger and one day the results will be worth the work. In fact, other people in your world will be experiencing some wins that will trickle down to you in the long-run. It’s all gravy, baby!

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      WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K IS HAPPENING?! Sooo, everything is going to feel super confusing this week. People will be saying and doing weird sh*t and you will find yourself wondering if the whole world went crazy. While you’ll want to run and hide in your room so you can listen to some sad song (don't even deny it) you just need to remember that it will all make sense very soon. Keep focused on bringing your plans to reality because the pieces are falling into place.

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      Snarky Scopes - Week of August 26

      Snarky Scopes - Week of August 26

      DON'T FORGET TO SHOP YOUR 'SCOPE!

      Shits still a little cray with Saturn and Uranus in retrograde and this week you should be focused on sitting your emboldened butt in the corner. While you normally hate to think before you act, it’s going to be super important to have the facts to back up any statements or promises you make. Oh, and for once in your damn life… pay attention to the details!

       

      Get those hooves geared up to go because this week is full of  PASSION! ((BOW CHICKA WOW WOW)). Matters of the heart will come front and center and you should focus on friends, family, and relationships. We all know how dangerous it is to push a Taurus to do something they don’t want to do but this week you’re going to have to remember to take a leap of faith when the time is right.

      FREEEEDOMMM! This week you’re going to feel like somebody let your nosy ass out of your cage. But try not to be too impulsive (as much as is possible for a Taurus, anyway) because rushing into certain things can mean losing sight of what matters. Don’t risk it and rise above; if you do, you will be super successful and we can totally party.

      Girl, stop getting inside that emotional mind and use this week’s social energy to conversate! But be careful and pay attention to the words and actions of others. Your intuition (which is like, crazy good) will kick in and you might find not everything is as it seems. This week you’ll notice an up-tick in action and it’s important to be patient with yourself and others (and I mean, you get people, so you can totally do this).

      This week is fierce and full of passion (just like you). But, unlike you, the theatrics will have to take a back seat so you can focus on the details. With the right care, you could have a financially rewarding week but get it in WRITING! Oh and happy birthday - we know you love it.

       

      Don’t be too modest this week: you’re KILLING it! Daily issues will be handled with finesse and the universe is giving you the go-ahead for greater things. Though it’s against your nature to put yourself first, let your personality shine this week. And it's a helluva personality, if I do say so myself.

      STOP BEING SO JUDGEY! This might be hard to hear; but there are things going on behind the scenes that you might not know about and any judgements passed this week will certainly set off events that can create major changes. But there is good news: this week is the perfect time for magic to happen.

       

      This week your determination will pay off big time (and you don’t even have to beat anyone up to get there). Everyone is taking notice of your awesomeness and if you pay your cards right it can be a great week to bulk up that wallet. BUT CAUTION: don’t say anything you can’t back up!

      DON’T MAKE IT AWKWARD! This week everyone seems to be petting your ego and you’ll be overloaded with compliments but be careful. You have a tendency to promise too much to others and with everyone looking to you it’s easy to get overloaded. As Nancy Regan said, "JUST SAY NO" if you're overwhelmed. 

      YOU’RE OUTTA CONTROL! And you miiiight hate it. While you prefer to be in the drivers seat, embracing this week’s wild energy is sure to bring you to new places and greater responsibility. Which you obviously love because you're responsible AF. Rising above personal challenges and remaining open is key this week.

      It’s gonna be a weird week (but you like weird). Dig deep within that big ole' bowl of personality and you’ll find all kinds of new talents this week; talents that can lead to greater financial strength in the future. Ride this strange energy and one thing will lead to another. You’re super intuitive so you probably already know this but: everything will work out. 

       

      Get shit done, hon! This week is going to be jam-packed with action and you can accomplish a lot (if you want to). While you don’t always love attention, people are looking at you so make sure whatever you do this week, you do it 100%. And since you're the musicians of the zodiac... how 'bout that new Taylor Swift album (yeah, I'm a fan girl, JUDGE ME).