By Carrie Pinkard
We’re suckers for a good personality test, and the Enneagram test spoke to us on a spiritual level. How can a simple number know more about us than we know about ourselves? It’s spookily accurate. Which is why we wanted to add our Snarky Teas to the mix!
We’ve paired each of the nine Enneagram personality types with its Snarky Tea soulmate. If you don’t know which type you are, take the 10-minute test here first, then come back to find out which tea matches your Enneagram type.
Type One- Get Your Sh*t Together
As a type one, you live a purpose-driven life. You often strive for perfection in everything you do. Some people may call you high-strung, but we see you as someone who knows how to get their shit together. That’s why we paired you with our Get Your Sh*t Together tea. This green tea contains caffeine that will help power you through your next task. It also has ginger which can improve cognitive function and lemongrass which can lower your blood pressure.
Type Two- Sweet as F*ck
Type twos are known to be generous, sincere, and empathetic. You love to help people and you’re always giving time and resources to others. In other words, you’re Sweet as F*ck! This tea is a blend of citrus and chocolate that’s almost as sweet as you are. The moderate caffeine content will fuel your next volunteer project and the chocolatey aroma will help satisfy your dessert cravings. How sweet is that?
Type Three- Cleanse
As a type three, you are always crushing new goals. You are highly ambitious and your main priority is making something of yourself. You also care a lot about your appearance and always strive to look your best. Queue our Cleanse Tea. This tea is designed to get you feeling and looking fantastic. Cleanse contains Fenugreek for bloating and Senna to support deep internal cleansing. Once your digestive tract is on point you can get back to slaying that to-do list.
Type Four- Calm the F**k Down
Type fours are sensitive and reserved. You march to the beat of your own drum. Girl, you’re like a Robert Frost poem with how often you take the road less traveled. You often feel overwhelmed when you’re around people too long, which is why we’ve paired you with our Calm the F*ck Down tea. This fruity rooibos blend is great for relaxing and enjoying your favorite kind of event: a party for one. Green Rooibos acts as an anti-inflammatory which is perfect for relieving hypertension related to stress and enabling you to chill the fuck out.
Type Five- Unwind
Fives are the Sherlock Holmes of the Enneagram types. You are always trying to solve the mysteries of life no matter how small (if you find out where our hair ties go when they disappear let us know). You are insightful, curious, and often swept up in a daydream. This is why we’ve paired you with our Unwind tea. Unwind contains Kava Kava to help ease your restlessness and ground you in the present moment, and Holy Basil to control your stress levels. The relaxed state you achieve is perfect for slowing your thoughts enough to not let them run away with you. The decision to pair you with Unwind was, as you say, “elementary, my dear Watson.”
Type Six- Detox
Sixes are, above all, fierce friends. You are extremely loyal to the people in your life and to your ideals. You are also dependable and trustworthy. That’s why we paired you with our “Trust Your Gut” detox tea. Our detox tea’s ingredients support your body with the same energy that you support the people in your life. The tea contains ginger to aid digestion and dandelion for detoxification. Our detox tea is like a loyal friend in that it’s there for you when you need it the most, and it has your back even when you’re being #totallytoxic.
Type Seven- Wake the F**k Up
As a type seven, you are the most extroverted of the Enneagram personalities. You are constantly on the go, and you’re enthusiastic about literally everything. Because you’re so interested in the world around you, you often find yourself taking on too many things at once and burning out. That’s why we paired you with our Wake the F**k Up tea. This is the perfect tea for you because it gives a steady boost of energy. Wake the F**k up has Yerba Mate which is a natural stimulant loaded with vitamins. This tea will help you reach your full, peppy potential.
Type Eight- Fierce B*tch
Eights are self-confident leaders who don’t take shit from anyone. You are the master and commander of your life and you don’t often accept help from others. That strong-willed attitude makes you the perfect pairing for our Fierce B*tch tea. This tea is highly functional and a little spicy, just like you. Fierce B*tch is a black tea with a high caffeine content to keep your energy up and ready to tackle any obstacles that life dares throw at you.
Type Nine- Namaste Motherf**ker
As a type nine, you run away from conflict at all costs. You want everything in your life to run smoothly and you’re willing to bend over backward to make this happen. Oftentimes you sacrifice your own needs to keep others happy. When someone tries to disrupt the peaceful flow of your life you just want to scream Namaste Motherf**ker! Our Namaste Motherf**ker tea is a fruity green tea blend designed to help you feel totally zen - something we know you crave.
Did you enjoy reading which tea matches your enneagram type but think you’re more of a “stars decide my fate” kind of gal? Check out our Snarky 'Scopes and find out which tea pairs perfectly with your horoscope here.