By Carrie Pinkard
This year has sent many of us spiraling into an identity crisis. When we can’t see our friends or enjoy our everyday activities it can make us feel like we’ve lost sight of who we are. If I can’t go to parties where I hide in the corner petting a Siberian Husky all night, how do I really KNOW I’m an introvert?
Thankfully, personality tests exist that can add some meaning to the mystery of life. This week we’ve paired each of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types with the perfect Snarky Tea. If you haven’t yet, take the Myers-Briggs test here - then come back to find out which tea you are!
INTJ | "The Architect" | Unwind Tea
INTJs have rich inner worlds. There are often 12 different trains of thought running through your mind at all times. You’re deeply imaginative and you like to keep to yourself. That’s why we paired you with our Unwind Tea. Unwind has a robust flavor berry profile that has almost as much going on as that beautiful brain of yours.
Our fave INTJ woman: Michelle Obama!
INTP | "The Logician" | Calm the F**k Down
INTPs often value logic over emotions. You’re probably the one in your friend group who points out the flaws in everyone’s overly emotional thinking. You’re the voice of reason who talks people off the edge because you understand the inner workings of life better than most. This is why we paired you with our Calm the F**k Down tea. Your presence and predictability have a calming effect on others just like our fruity green rooibos.
Our fave INTP woman: Tina Fey!
ENTJ | "The Commander" | Fierce B*tch
ENTJs are confident, charismatic, and never stop moving. As soon as you see a problem you hit the ground running to take care of it. You feel most comfortable taking the lead in group projects because you often think you can do the job better than anyone else. In other words, you’re fierce AF just like our black rose tea, Fierce B*tch.
Our fave ENTJ woman: Whoopie Goldberg
ENTP | "The Debater" | Get Your Sh*t Together
ENTPs are fun, passionate, and argumentative. You love debating even the most mundane topics for hours. You’re also a trivia geek and you know everything so you’re usually right. This knack for knowledge and for putting people in their place makes you a perfect match for our Get Your Sh*t Together tea. Get Your Sh*t Together is a bright, refreshing green tea blend designed to help people see things clearly, just like you.
Our fave ENTP woman: Celine Dion
INFJ | "The Advocate" | Dream
INFJs are rare gems. You’re the most uncommon of all the personality types. You’re deeply intuitive and imaginative. You’re also idealistic and often thinking about how to make the world better. You not only pursue what’s best for you, but you help others realize their dreams too. That’s why you’re paired with our Dream tea. You’re literally a dream of a person and you want to help everyone reach their full potential.
Our fave INFJ woman: Marie Kondo
INFP | "The Mediator" | Namaste Motherf**ker
INFPs are gentle and compassionate. You desire peace above everything. You’re always moderating arguments and simmering down tense situations because you can’t stand conflict. That’s why you go best with our Namaste Motherf**ker tea. You’re like a warm cup of calming tea and the world needs more people like you in it.
Our Fave INFP woman: Emily Blunt
ENFJ | "The Protagonist" | Recover
ENFJs are born to be teachers. You’re deeply empathetic and you’re always trying to relate to and understand other people. You love guiding others in the right direction and helping them heal from the inside out. This is just like our Recover tea, a green tea blend designed to help you feel refreshed and renewed from the inside out. Which is exactly how people feel after spending the day with you, ENFJ.
Our fave ENFJ woman: Oprah Winfrey
ENFP | "The Campaigner" | Merry As a Motherf**ker
Girl, look at you! Walking around like a living cup of Christmas cheer! ENFPs are witty, warm, and engaging. People love being around you and you love being around people. You love to get to the bottom of who a person is and find out what motivates them. You see every person as a jigsaw puzzle that you have to put together, and you’re damn good at it too. You’re just like our Merry as a Motherf**ker tea because of your sunny disposition and the way you spread joy everywhere you go. Sleigh, queen!
Our fave ENFP woman: Julie Andrews
ISTJ | "The Logistician" | Get Your A** In Bed
ISTJs want to know the logistics of everything before undertaking a project. You are a very dependable worker. You’re probably the person your boss goes to when they need something done right. You’re also serious and orderly. You worship your routine. This makes you a perfect match for our Get Your A** In Bed tea. There’s no time in your perfectly scheduled life for staying up until 4 am and throwing things off track. Our lavender chamomile tea will help you keep your schedule down to the very minute by getting your ass in bed on time.
Our fave ISTJ woman: Queen Elizabeth II
ISFJ | "The Defender" | Sweet as F**k
ISFJs are the most common personality type among women. But that doesn’t mean you’re not special. The reason so many women are ISFJs is that ISFJs are fucking awesome at connecting with people and nurturing them. ISFJs are hard workers who often spend a lot of time putting in extra hours behind the scenes. They’re also extremely protective of their family and friends. You won’t hear them say a bad word about anybody in their circle. All of these things make ISFJs Sweet as F**k. Our sweet as f**k tea is a blend of citrus and chocolate designed to perk you up and make you feel content. It’s magic, like a warm hug from an ISFJ.
Our fave ISFJ woman: Anne Hathaway
ESTJ | "The Executive" | Get Fit Starter Kit
ESTJs are the masters at getting shit done. You are constantly juggling multiple tasks and executing them all flawlessly. You’re the management type who isn’t afraid to delegate when things need to get done. Basically, you’re a CEO boss babe and there was no way we could pair you with just one tea. You match the go-getter attitude of our Get Fit Starter Kit perfectly. This kit has both Cleanse and Detox teas to help clean your system and make it run as efficiently as possible. There’s nothing ESTJs love more than efficiency.
Our fave ESTJ woman: Judge Judy
ESFJ | "The Consul" | Energize
ESFJs are basically The Plastics of the personality types. You’re popular as heck and you know it. You thrive on girl talk and nights out. You love shooting the shit with anyone who will listen. You’re also very high energy, which is why we paired you with our Energize tea! Energize is zesty and full of life just like you!
Our fave ESFJ woman: Sarah Jessica Parker
ISTP | "The Virtuoso" | Cleanse
ISTPs are practical and hardworking. You love to experiment with new hobbies and work with your hands. You have a purpose for everything you do, which is why we paired you with our Cleanse Tea. Cleanse is a highly functional blend designed to help reset your digestive system. Cleanse is a hard-working, down to earth blend that matches your personality perfectly.
Our fave ISTP woman: Scarlett Johanssen
ISFP | "The Adventurer" | Wake the F**k Up
ISFPs are always thinking outside of the box. You are cheerful and friendly, but unconventional. You like to experiment with new things and travel to new places. This sort of on the go personality makes you perfect for our Wake the F**k Up tea. Wake the F**k Up is a black tea with Yerba Mate that can fuel you through any creative, quirky project you might be taking on.
Our fave ISFP woman: Barbara Streisand
ESTP | "The Entrepreneur" | Detox
ESTPs are funny and impulsive, but also practical. You enjoy acting in the moment and not planning so much for the future. You dive headfirst into things and worry about the consequences later. Because of this, you can sometimes find yourself stuck in toxic situations. Queue our Detox Tea. Detox is a green rooibos blend with ingredients to support digestion and purification. This tea will help reverse some of those mistakes you made when you pulled the trigger with your impulsivity.
Our fave ESTP woman: Madonna
ESFP | “The Entertainer” | Basic B*tch
ESFPs simply love to have fun. You’re probably suffering the most during this pandemic because you can no longer be surrounded by your loving fans. If you could, you’d spend at least 3 nights a week at a karaoke bar. You love the spotlight and making people laugh. You have a pure heart and you’re all about doing what you love, just like our Basic B*tch tea. Basic B*tch doesn’t care that she’s basic. It’s an unapologetic tea for an unapologetic personality type.
Our fave ESFP personality: Beyoncé
We hope this little personality list has helped you feel reconnected with who you are. Remember, a well-chosen cup of tea is strong enough to snap you out of any funk! Can’t get enough personality tests? Check out our list of Enneagram types and see which tea matches your number!
We'd love to know what your Myers-Briggs type is, tell us in the comments below!