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Snarky Scopes — horoscope

Snarky Scopes - Week of November 11

DON'T FORGET TO SHOP YOUR 'SCOPE!

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ELEVATE, BABY! If there’s ever been a time to show off what you can do, this is it, Aries. Inspiration from the universe is popping up everywhere and it’s making sure you see what’s possible when you put that determination in high gear. Be realistic and stay focused – this sh*t won’t be easy, but it will be worth it!

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DON’T TAKE THE BAIT. Ya know Taurus, you’ve got it going on these days. Things seem to be rolling along pretty nicely – so don’t f**k it up. Just kidding. But seriously, people will try to test you this week and you don’t need to engage. Keep logic, not emotion, on the forefront and keep moving forward. You’re doing awesome and hey, some people are just a**holes – ignore them!

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COMMUNICATION IS KEY. There’s going to be a lot of chances for you to tell ‘em like it is, Gemini. It’s so important to use these opportunities to tell people exactly what you think (in the nicest way possible). Give them the whole truth and those who understand what you’re trying to achieve will be able to help you get there. Staying quiet this week could lead you to places you don’t wanna go (like this one time I ended up sleeping in a car in NYC during a snowstorm even though I totally knew it would be a bad idea). Speak up!

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SET IT UP. Okay Cancer, whatever long-term plans or financial decisions you were thinking about making… now’s the time to hit “go”. As long as you’ve done your research and feel confident that you’re basing your decision on facts, your instincts will not lead you astray. There’s gonna be some naysayers who don’t get why you’re choosing these things, but be patient, time will reveal that you’re right and they’ll totally jump on-board.

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SUPER RESPONSIBLE. It’s a week of getting sh*t done, Leo. You need to remember that you’re a badass and have influence over those around you. Don’t abuse it but make sure you’re using it towards getting things done. Whatever you do this week will have a huge payoff in the future (even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment). Don’t expect Amazon Prime results – things take time. Stay focused and get it done.

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FRESH START. So I just got a teacup tattoo and for a minute there I was panicked because it got all weird and scabby looking. But today it peeled away and revealed a fresh, cute, lil’ teacup underneath! Yeah, gross but it was the best metaphor I could find for what you’re going through right now, Virgo. Every annoying thing that’s happening is revealing a new start for you. Keep on believing – you’re on the verge of something amazing - and don’t let anyone tell you differently!

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BE AWARE. You’re very observant right now, Libra. And you’re making good use of those observations by reflecting on these experiences and figuring out what they really “mean”. That’s great – you’re totally learning but you should also stay focused on tasks at hand. Make sure you’ve got your listening hat on (something my first-grade teacher always used to say). Remain humble and take advice, consider suggestions and keep perspective. The universe is teaching you something, LISTEN!

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A-HA MOMENT. This week will be full of ‘em! Lots of things are being shaken up and it’s revealing the inner-truth to you. You need to be aware of what things are still in the air – what you need to learn and do right now to accomplish your greater goals and future plans. You’re feeling enlightened AF. But remember, not everyone else is so just chill when people are being annoying this week.

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READY, SET, GO! Damn, Sagittarius – you’re moving at an awesome pace now that all those annoying obstacles are out of your way. The universe is opening up again and sending you into new territories which you totally didn’t see coming. And here’s the thing – it’s hoping you’ll find that your passions are meant to be shared. That one thing that you’re so effing good at, that makes time disappear and you just love it so much… you’re supposed to be doing that and putting it out into the world. Ride this amazing energy and who knows where you’ll end up!

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PLAN IT OUT. So you probably already know what I’m going to say because THAT’S how intuitive you’re feeling this week. You’re seeing clearly and feeling in sync with your inner-self. Use this time to chart out your plans for the future. Write it down and get it all out on paper (but hold off on acting just yet). Other people are going to see this and you’ll be surprised to see how on-board they are; they’re ready and willing to help. Just make sure they know EXACTLY what you want to do!

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YOU GO GIRL! There’s so many amazing things about you, Aquarius. You’re fun, hilarious, and talented AF. While you probably already know that… others will take notice and finally understand just how incredible you are. Use this attention to show ‘em what you got and do everything 110% this week. Whatever you dream, you can do!

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WHAT MATTERS MOST? You’re starting to see what’s actually important to you, Pisces, and that’s pretty effing awesome. This week you need to very clear about what other people are expecting of you and make sure you’re telling them what you need from them, too. As long as you’re all in sync with each other, whatever tasks or goals you have are sure to be knocked outta the park.

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Snarky Scopes - Week of August 26

Snarky Scopes - Week of August 26

DON'T FORGET TO SHOP YOUR 'SCOPE!

Shits still a little cray with Saturn and Uranus in retrograde and this week you should be focused on sitting your emboldened butt in the corner. While you normally hate to think before you act, it’s going to be super important to have the facts to back up any statements or promises you make. Oh, and for once in your damn life… pay attention to the details!

 

Get those hooves geared up to go because this week is full of  PASSION! ((BOW CHICKA WOW WOW)). Matters of the heart will come front and center and you should focus on friends, family, and relationships. We all know how dangerous it is to push a Taurus to do something they don’t want to do but this week you’re going to have to remember to take a leap of faith when the time is right.

FREEEEDOMMM! This week you’re going to feel like somebody let your nosy ass out of your cage. But try not to be too impulsive (as much as is possible for a Taurus, anyway) because rushing into certain things can mean losing sight of what matters. Don’t risk it and rise above; if you do, you will be super successful and we can totally party.

Girl, stop getting inside that emotional mind and use this week’s social energy to conversate! But be careful and pay attention to the words and actions of others. Your intuition (which is like, crazy good) will kick in and you might find not everything is as it seems. This week you’ll notice an up-tick in action and it’s important to be patient with yourself and others (and I mean, you get people, so you can totally do this).

This week is fierce and full of passion (just like you). But, unlike you, the theatrics will have to take a back seat so you can focus on the details. With the right care, you could have a financially rewarding week but get it in WRITING! Oh and happy birthday - we know you love it.

 

Don’t be too modest this week: you’re KILLING it! Daily issues will be handled with finesse and the universe is giving you the go-ahead for greater things. Though it’s against your nature to put yourself first, let your personality shine this week. And it's a helluva personality, if I do say so myself.

STOP BEING SO JUDGEY! This might be hard to hear; but there are things going on behind the scenes that you might not know about and any judgements passed this week will certainly set off events that can create major changes. But there is good news: this week is the perfect time for magic to happen.

 

This week your determination will pay off big time (and you don’t even have to beat anyone up to get there). Everyone is taking notice of your awesomeness and if you pay your cards right it can be a great week to bulk up that wallet. BUT CAUTION: don’t say anything you can’t back up!

DON’T MAKE IT AWKWARD! This week everyone seems to be petting your ego and you’ll be overloaded with compliments but be careful. You have a tendency to promise too much to others and with everyone looking to you it’s easy to get overloaded. As Nancy Regan said, "JUST SAY NO" if you're overwhelmed. 

YOU’RE OUTTA CONTROL! And you miiiight hate it. While you prefer to be in the drivers seat, embracing this week’s wild energy is sure to bring you to new places and greater responsibility. Which you obviously love because you're responsible AF. Rising above personal challenges and remaining open is key this week.

It’s gonna be a weird week (but you like weird). Dig deep within that big ole' bowl of personality and you’ll find all kinds of new talents this week; talents that can lead to greater financial strength in the future. Ride this strange energy and one thing will lead to another. You’re super intuitive so you probably already know this but: everything will work out. 

 

Get shit done, hon! This week is going to be jam-packed with action and you can accomplish a lot (if you want to). While you don’t always love attention, people are looking at you so make sure whatever you do this week, you do it 100%. And since you're the musicians of the zodiac... how 'bout that new Taylor Swift album (yeah, I'm a fan girl, JUDGE ME).